Heyer Haven

Happy New Year?

2012-01-03T00:55:00.000-07:00

On the first day of two twelve the new year gave to me: a broken heater in 20 degrees.

On the second day of two twelve the new year gave to me: carbon monoxide poisning and a broken heater in 20 degrees.

On the third day of two twelve the new year gave to me: ? We shall see what the 3rd brings.

I've been telling my kids this is going to be a great year. It has got to be better then last year right? So what if we started out with some "adventures."

So after a wonderful Christmas week with my sister Terry in California, we flew back to Denver and drove as far as Cheyenne. Bad winds, icy roads and some closures convinced me to hole up in Cheyenne and wait til New Year's day to finish the drive home to Casper.

When we finally got home on Sunday afternoon our house was freezing. The heater was broken. BRRRRR. I called our maintenance man and he came and fixed the heater. I was so happy to have heat. Finally I started to warm up. That night when I was about to go to bed (around midnight) Jacob woke up with a horrible headache...the worst he had ever had. It was so bad I took him to the ER. I brought Lynn with me but left Micah at home. No need to make him stay up all night in the ER. Apparently as we left Lynn saw micah getting some ibuprofin for a headache. On the way out the door Lynn said she had a headache and felt sick to her stomach. I thought, " Oh no, We must have caught Terry's flu (but worse!). I felt a little sick too as we headed to the ER. I was praying I wouldn't end up with a stomache bug cause I was getting a headache and a flutter of nausea in my tummy. At the hospital it was packed and we waited for a long time (a couple of hours). They were very sweet and let us wait in an empty consulting room away from the noise and brought in a matress for Jacob. Finally we got in. The doc came and started asking questions. Lynn said Micah had a headache too and that she had thrown up in the ER bathroom. Finally Jacob said that his friend Noah (who had been going to spend the night) had gone home because he wasn't feeling well. The doc thought it was odd we all got sick at the same time and mentioned carbon monoxide. (I love that doc). A light bulb must have popped up over my head. The gas heater was fixed today! How dumb was I to have not thought of it?

I was really scared now for Micah and I shot up some prayers to my Lord on his behalf. It was around 4AM now...four hours after I had left him alone so he could rest. The ER called the fire department to go check on him and check the house for carbon monoxide. I waited anxiously (Sorry Lord I know I am to be anxious for nothing but I want my kids here with me!) Finally I heard news. Micah was sick and had thrown up but was consicous and they were bringing him in. Yes the carbon monoxide levels in the house were very high. We spent the rest of the night with the kids having oxygen masks on and getting blood levels checked for carbon monoxide. Finally we were sent home at around 7:30AM. I just thank God that He woke Jacob up with that headache and I took him in to the ER. If it weren't for Jacob's plea that his head hurt more then it ever had, I would have laid down thinking I was getting a flue and gone to sleep. God has a reason for us to be here today. :) So tonight, we camp in the living room with an electric heater plugged into the wall (no fires aloud!). In the morning the man comes with a new heater to replace our broken one.

So what will the rest of the year bring? I hope it isn't quite so eventful as the first two days. A little adventure is all good, but some peace in between would be nice. It's all in God's hands. Romans 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes. I am glad my three red heads are safe and that God protected us from what could have been a horrible newspaper story about a family tragically killed by carbon monoxide while they slept New Years night. It's not our time yet. :)

QWERTY?

2011-11-28T16:19:00.001-07:00

I was searching the internet for Christmas ideas for my kids and ended up looking at iphones. Ha ha...not for my kids. I am thinking about getting myself an iphone for Christmas since I'm due for an upgrade. Well...I guess I am not as techno savy as I thought. I kept reading about how these high tech phones have this really high tech option called qwerty. "What is qwerty?" I wondered. I looked and looked but all it would show was a regular keyboard on the touch screen. I gazed at the keyboard wondering how do "qwerty" and keyboard go together? Qwerty should be a little robot that says funny sayings or a voice that comes out of your computer or phone that talks to you. Well...as I stared at the keyboard... Suddenly a little light bulb popped up over my head. Duh!!!!! For all of you who have known what qwerty means since you were two, I'm really not dumb...really. For those of you who have no idea what qwerty means....look at your keyboard right above the letters a,s,d,f, and g. The letters Q,W,E,R,T,Y. Sigh. Ya know, to me a keyboard is a keyboard, not a qwerty. And maybe those high tech iphones aren't as high tech as they want you to think. Hmmm....I still might like one for Christmas. :)

Last Family Pic with Jeff

2011-10-31T13:45:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted anything since Jeff passed away in July. I think I have been just wanting to run away and avoid thinking and feeling about it. Death is such a sad and hard thing to deal with. We miss those who leave our physical world and head into eternity before we do. Plus I still have to admit I'm a little peturbed at him for leaving us...his wife and three kids who love him and miss him. I don't think I have seen Jacob smile like he smiled in this picture since. It really is hard on the kids without their Daddy.

This is the last family picture we had all together with Jeff. Erik, Jeff's son, is also in the picture. Too bad Westley couldn't have been there also. Jeff's parents and brother Jimmy came out to visit because of Jeff's pnuemonia and I am so glad they did. They were able to see him again before his death. It had been a rough spring for Jeff with some bouts of severe pneumonia and he was still recovering from that in this picture. He did recover enough to come to Yellowstone in July with my family and we had great time.

A Burrito with legs?

2011-05-26T16:21:00.003-06:00

Oh, Wait....its just Lynn trying to entertain herself in the ER.

Other ways of entertaining herself included touching everything she could find and being told to settle down a billion times, climbing up on the bed with her Daddy, peeking out the curtain at the ER staff and basically driving her Mommy crazy. The ER and hospital can get down right boring after awhile. The kids do love to have me park at the top of the hospital parking garage and race me to the bottom....I take the elevator and they run down the stairs. Now they are supposed to wait until the elevator door opens but NOOOOO they just take off running while I stand and wait for the elevator...I think they get all the way down before I even get in.

So why were we at the ER and subsequently a hospital room? Jeff was very sick with a bilatera pneumonia. Stubborn man didn't want to go in but after dragging him out to the car and driving him in I was very glad I did. His oxygen level was critically low (in the 70s when it is supposed to be in the 90s). He was admitted for almost a week needing oxygen and antibiotics, discharged, and then re-admitted for almost another week. Now thank goodness he is home and seems to be doing much better.

While in the hospital, the doctors did find something rather serious going on with Jeff. Upon further review of some of his symptoms the doctors did an MRI and discovered that Jeff has a 4mm pituitary microadenoma. The pituitary regulates most of the hormones including coritsol in the adrenal glands. There is a good possibility that he will need to have surgery to remove this adenoma in the near future. Anything that has to do with the brain is kind of scary. But wouldn't it be great if this was the reason he has felt so bad for so long and they were able to fix it? Keep Jeff in your prayers as he has more tests and we determine if he will need to have surgery.

Prays for the New Year

2010-12-27T16:07:00.004-07:00

My beautiful children Micah, Jacob and Lynn. :) December 2010.

I can not help but smile when I look at this picture. I love each one so much.

Wow, its been awhile since I posted. We are in that strange week between Christmas and New Years Day when everyone is feeling the let down from Christmas being over but you can't take down the tree until after New Years. :) So we sit around eating and making New Years resolutions. What do I want for this coming year? Besides the usual....lose weight, health, peace, joy, etc....what do I want for 2011?

I want to walk each day along side my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ this year in obedience to what ever He would ask of me. I want the same for my children. Nothing could be more wonderful then to grow even closer in my relationship with my Lord.

I pray that God would heal my husband from the chronic pain that he suffers. I pray that God would surround Jeff this year with peace and healing.
...with a new joy and love for life
with a renewed relationship with our Lord

For my children, I pray that each will grow in their relationship with Jesus this year. That they would have that tiny kernal of faith grow within their hearts and guide them each day. I pray they will become the young men and woman that God has created them to be. That they will live for His glory and honor and they will know the joy and hope that come from serving the King of Kings.

I pray for my step sons....Erik and Westley....that God would work His will in their lives. Sorry boys, but I am praying that God will work His way into your hearts and change you into the perfect and amazing young men that He wants you to be. :) God knows what each needs...May He fullful the needs of your hearts. God's blessings and love upon you.

I also pray for extended family and friends and co-workers. And for those who have lost someone they love recently. God be with each them.

I pray for Kathy Schoch...Lord walk along side her as she struggles with chemo and all the things that go along with it. Be her comfort and her strength. Be with Dave, Julee and children as they worry about her. Give them the grace and comfort to know you are with her and will not forsake her.

And I ask that God will touch all who read this post of prayers for the new year. I pray that you will be surrounded by God's presence and 2011 will truly be a new year for you...A new year walking forward in hope and faith in our Lord and Savior. Blessings upon you.

The Unthinkable

2010-07-20T20:03:00.002-06:00

No one ever allows their mind to really think about losing a child because the thought is too horrible. I remember over the years thinking, "what if something happened to one of my kids," then I would push the thought right out of my mind because it was not thinkable...I couldn't let my mind go there. Each special person in my family is so unique and important that life just could not be the same without them. Which child would you chose to be without? How could you choose? I can't imagine life without Micah, or Jacob, or Lynnie.

Sadly I do know what life is like without Joshua. I didn't choose it. I didn't want it. Sometimes I still can't believe it. The unthinkable happened. Its not supposed to happen. It can't happen! And yet Joshua isn't here with me any more. No matter what I do or think. He is absent. Three years ago today my beautiful wonderful 10 year old son Joshua died in a swimming accident.

Somehow life keeps moving even without him here. Time keeps plodding forward. I smile again and laugh. I enjoy life. I love my living children more then I can imagine....can't imagine life without them. Pray I never have to. "You better let me go first Lord! I pray " :) (Like I have a choice in the matter). I wonder what life would be like now if Joshua were here still. What he would like to do now. If he would be at youth camp this week with Micah. We miss him every day and yet....wow....he is with our Lord. Nothing better could happen to him. Our loss is his gain.

The cool thing is that God has created each amazing and unique child to be eternal! Joshua may have died physically....but he is not snuffed out of existance. He is alive! He is forgiven. He is with my Lord right now. I will see him again and he will be perfected...exactly as God meant for him to be. The wait seems to be forever but it is just a blink in all of eternity. Thank you Lord Jesus that this separation is only temporary!

3 years tomorrow

2010-07-19T21:25:00.002-06:00

Today I attended the funeral of a beautiful sweet young lady. I am so glad she knew and follwed Jesus as her Lord and Savior. I will see her again! She was just 25 years old and had only been married for 10 months. The death was tragic....shocking. All who knew Chantelle will miss her. She was tubing in the North Platte River and somehow ended up without her tube and life jacket. She was found right near the place they found Joshua. The similarities have brought back memories and thoughts of Joshua this week. Tomorrow will be three years since his death. I have been thinking about dear Chantelle's husband, parents, family. I grieve for the horrible loss they must face. I am reposting something I wrote back in November of 2007 that comes to mind.

Jesus Wept

John 11:32-35
Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and he said, Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord come and see.” Jesus Wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

The day Mary’s brother died I can imagine the questions and pain in her eyes…“If only you had been here…I believe you could have saved him…Why, Jesus …..Why did my brother have to die.”

Her thoughts spinning with numbness and shock. Grief and pain…separation. Never to see him again. Not to hear his voice aloud or see him smiling with his friends. I can’t bear this pain Lord Jesus. How could you let me down. If only you had been here Lord…Our dear brother might still be around.

What were you thinking Lord Jesus on that fateful day? You knew even while they wept and mourned that their brother would soon be raised. Still your eyes filled with tears as you felt your friend‘s pain.You wept for their loss and you cared. You knew that such pointless deaths would continue until your own task you dared.

Was it just for Mary and Martha you cried? … Or could it also be …that the tears you wept spanned across time and were also your tears shed for me. Tears of pain and sadness for the curse that our own sin brings. Death and separation from the one’s we love and from God for all eternity.

Did you feel my pain years before I was born when you wept for Lazerus that day? Did you see my tears and hear my cries from such a long ways away? Oh how I cried the day my boy died. Shock, disbelief, horror and pain. I still live in a fog thinking my son can‘t be gone. He can’t be buried in that grave.

I know the pain and the questions that Mary must have felt. The whys and the what ifs that kept spinning round and round. I am jealous that she had you physically present with her to raise her brother back to life. I wish the same could happen for my son whose body still lays in its grave. Couldn’t I too have just a few more years to love my boy and tell him how much I care?

You are God Almighty without sin or need to suffer. Why did you allow yourself to feel such horrible pain? You willingly suffered and died for our crimes. You took our curse upon your own flesh so that we might be eternally saved.

Your love and your understanding of our pain must have spurred you onto your task, To provide a way to end the curse of death…so our separation wouldn’t have to last. You took all our pain and loss and the suffering of death on your own shoulders the day you died. So that my little boy could be with you now enjoying true life at your side.

I can’t wait to see him again. Such joy I can’t even imagine. No more weeping and no more loss. The curse of death lifted by your death on the cross. Thank you Lord Jesus. For providing a way for my son to live again with you today.

The Bowl

2010-02-07T11:05:00.003-07:00

Ahhhh....the Bowl

What could be a more fitting day to talk about a bowl then Super Bowl Sunday. However that isn't why I bring up the word "bowl." You see, this weekend our family has had to get aquainted with a different type of bowl. Other wise known as ... "the throw-up bowl." This is the bowl that prevents you from sitting by the ...

TOILET BOWL
....all day long.

The ideal bowl will be large and plastic if possible so you aren't shocked by the cold glass on your face as you lay in misery.

The bowl should also have a large volume to prevent spills and be easy to wash. This wonderful invention has saved many linens, carpets, and even Mom herself from the indignities of being covered with...um, well, you know.

My poor son Jacob is wondering why I would be so weird as to write about this topic. I really think that everybody can relate to the miseries of the stomach flu. All kids accounted for and hopefully safely over the stomache flu as of this morning. Now hopefully it won't be Mom and Dad's turn with "The Bowl!"

Jacob...almost 10

2010-02-01T12:05:00.005-07:00

What can I say about Jacob? A millenium baby. Born 2/8/2000. Jacob is funny and helpful, inquisitive, silly, and always wants to be in the limelite. He is a collecter of coins and strange facts. His imagination knows no bounds. Greggarious like a scrub jay....only his cap is red not blue. :)

J aunty

A cheiver

C urious

O bsessed with Hot Wings

B asketball player

Dreaming of summer

2010-01-09T22:29:00.002-07:00

Ahhhh...that was the life....back in the days....um...last summer... before the iceberg landed in Casper. :) Here's dreaming of future summers enjoying hiking with family and enjoying God's creation. (Ok...the snow really is pretty. It's just been a little freezing lately!)

"The Death of Joshua" by Tamlyn

2009-11-12T21:31:00.004-07:00

My dear neice Tamlyn wrote this poem about Joshua's death. She did a great job. Very direct and to the point. Thank you Tamlyn.

"The Death of Joshua by Tamlyn (with a little help from mom)
................................
Joshua the brown haired boy
Doing dares with his friends
They dared him to jump in the river
and he did with joy
The rushing river flushed him around the bend
..................................
Some people say he got knocked-out
I don’t know what to say.
Micah wanted to save him, his head so full of doubt
"I’d pay anything to have him back",
it was the darkest day
...............................
My uncle Jeff came to see
But a rude guy with a camera was in the way
So Jeff kicked the camera man, a round house to the knee
The man after that didn’t have much to say
...............................
When aunt Sally heard the news,
she ran to the truck, her mind a blurr
"It couldn’t be, not my Josh, no never",
It just didn’t make sense to her.
Could her son be lost forever?
..............................
No, for a time, for a season we had to say good-bye
But not forever.
When our work is done, our bodies weary,
down we will lie
Only to be gathered up in Heaven
to resume that relationship that death couldn’t sever"

2 Year Memorial Pics

2009-10-19T21:11:00.008-06:00

September birthdays

2009-09-19T10:11:00.006-06:00

Happy Birthday!

To all those wonderful people I know with September birthdays!

May these balloons of happy birthday find you from afar!

****

To my two adorable neices

who live far away in Albania!

****

To my wonderful sister Kelly

who also lives far away in Oregon

****

To my awesome stepson Westley

currently in Washington State

(Happy birthday today!!!)

****

To my beautiful little cousin Sierra

turning 6

in California

****

To (yes myself but I am not far away :) )

****

And to my son Joshua

His big 13 in a week

How I wish I could celebrate with him

He is beyond birthdays

eternal

****

Ok...stop reading now if you don't want to be depressed....

****

Joshua sure loved his birthday

hmmm...enchilada dinner was usually his favorite

His excitement was always contagious

I don't know what he would want this year

I don't know what new interests he would have now.

2 years ago he would have wanted an ocarina

or zelda games, or and electric scooter. :)

He would have grown and changed in these two years

Who would he be today if he was still here?

****

September used to be a month we shared

Our birthday month

Now it is bittersweet

I can't celebrate my own birthday without missing him

I have shed many tears this month already without him

****

So happy birthday my son in Heaven

If you are aware of what we are doing

I hope you have a big smile knowing how much we love you

knowing how much we will aways celebrate the day you came into our lives

The Rock Field

2009-08-30T14:49:00.003-06:00

Adventure or burdon?

what do you see

When you look at these boulders

strewn before me

............

As kids, my sister and I

would have run to go climb them

perhaps we would have even

climbed down inside them

..............

They look so fun and exciting back then

and when we were camping our cousins joined in

we created elaborate games inside our rock homes

and just layed back enjoying the giant stones

................

Now I am older and the rocks still look fun

I might even climb up on one and set in the sun

But to see so many blocking my path

can be very unnerving...you do the math

.................

How can we ever make it from here to there

The end of the path blocked to me I fear

The path if it were smooth would bring me there fast

But these boulders look so daunting I don't know if I'll last

..................

Perhaps the end of the path is not the prize

Perhaps its the journey...behind each rock a suprize

Why are we in such a hurry each day

to get to the end of the road right away

....................

If we are willing to stop, explore and even pray

We might find God has more in store for us today

So slow down and take a look

inside each cranny and crook

....................

You might be suprized at the strength that you gain

through life's little twists of joy and pain

Ups and Downs and even right under a stone

With God right beside you you're already home

My beautiful girl

2009-08-29T10:37:00.003-06:00

Trying on her Mommy's wedding dress. Lynn is so cute. I didn't catch a picture of her sticking out her lips and puckering....."you may kiss the bride," she said. Hopefully the real moment will be a very long time away. :)

Looking at my beautiful daughter I fear for what society and the media will pressure her to be. She is so amazing just how she is. Here is a link to a great song by Jonny Diaz called More Beautiful You. To listen you might want to turn off the sound on my blog music player. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ks3R2BwyO0

2 years

2009-07-20T10:36:00.003-06:00

Two years have passed since you were here my boy
and most people have all "moved on."
not even a passing thought crosses their hearts and minds
to remember your essence and who you are.

But I have not forgotten you my son...
You memory floods my heart each day
I think of you and wonder how you would have changed
Who you would be now...the things you might say.

You would be a teen in two months
The big year...turning 13
I would probably be pulling out my hair
dealing with a teenage boy.

I know with my mind that you are safe in God's hands
But sometimes it is hard to know with my heart
I want to see you smile with my mortal eyes
and hear your voice and hold you tight.

God keep you my son
until the day
I am reunited with you
for all eternity

Journey of A Mother....Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-09T22:39:00.005-06:00

We were sent this poem after our Mom passed. Whether your Mom is alive traveling with you or has gone on ahead into eternity, Happy Mother's Day!

The Journey Of A Mother

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said, "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."
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But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, and taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike and reminded them to feed the dog, and do their homework and brush their teeth. The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
-------------------------------------------------
Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark,and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come." And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed, and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.
------------------------------------------------------------
Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all...unconditional love. And when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."
----------------------------------------------------------
The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children."
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And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers. One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high,and so can their children after them. And the children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence."
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Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every teardrop. A mother shows every emotion...happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow...and all the while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life. She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love; your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space...not even death!

Two in Heaven

2009-05-09T11:04:00.005-06:00

My husband found an old camera with film in it and had it developed. New Joshua pictures always bring tears to my eyes as I re-live those precious moments of time I spent with him. I can't believe that there were pictures of my little Joshua man with my dear sister Tammy. Tammy had ALS in this picture and was on a ventilator to breath for her. She couln't move any muscles in her body. She got to go home to Heaven soon after this picture was taken. I know she was one of the first to greet Joshua along with my mom into Heaven.

Turkeys in the Cemetary

2009-05-01T15:14:00.003-06:00

While we were visiting Joshua's grave we ran into a flock of turkeys. They make me laugh.

Duh, I'm getting out of the way now.

Uh oh... why are you slowing down? I moved out of the road already.

Are you staring at me?

Walk a little faster dear...they're gaining on us.

Green Belt

2009-04-28T21:11:00.002-06:00

I'm Ready to test for Green!

No I am not supposed to be looking at Mom and Dad right now!

I'm in listening position #1

I'm a green belt now! Yeah!

Lynnie and her instructor

Chocolate chip cookie?

2009-04-20T18:49:00.002-06:00

Where have I been you ask? At school!

I am taking a 12 month class to become an RDMS (registered diagnostic medical sonographer).

I just took my first test online and don't have the results back yet. My poor brain is on overload these days trying to juggle family, work, and school. :)

When I close my eyes at night my brain replays images of round chocolate chip cookies...but you can't eat these. These are the elusive ovaries that I must find on ultrasound. The chocolate chips are the follicles that grow within the ovary carrying the eggs and preparing to release their precious cargo in hopes that a new life will be created. :) Its funny that when you are pregnant with a little girl, you are already carrying the eggs within your womb that might one day be your grandchildren. It really is quite amazing to be able to see inside the human body with ultrasound.

Random Happenings

2009-03-21T09:52:00.003-06:00

What to write? As I sit with a glass of hot chai tea I wonder what could I possibly say that would perk your interest. Since nothing very exciting comes to mind, I will just ramble about random happenings here at the Heyer household.

pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

The sun is shining and we might reach 60 degrees today. :) That is very nice since we are supposed to have snow on Monday. Trying to tell all the plants it is too early and they must wait doesn't seem to work. They feel the presence of the sun and burst out in delightful new growth much too early. The children run and play outside getting a good dose of spring fever. How will they sit through two more months of school?

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Today I have a cold. I felt it coming on yesterday and was very sad as I will be traveling tomorrow. Boo hoo.
Lynn has cheerleading and Jacob has basketball.
Jeff is groggy and his foot hurts were he has a hairline fracture from falling when he had a migraine. Poor guy seems to have one injury/health problem after another.
I get to spend this afternoon packing for my flight tomorrow.

ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Tomorrow I begin my new adventure. I will travel to Las Vegas for a week to begin my ultrasound course. The course is a year long homestudy course with occasional travel to meet with your instructors and class. Hopefully when I am done I will be able to pass the RDMS exam and become a registered sonographer. :) My work, CareNet, is sending me and paying for everything. God has really blessed me with this wonderful job. My husband is not too excited about me leaving him with the kids for a week, but he agreed that I should go ahead with the class because it is such a great opportunity.

Well, I am off to cheerleading!

By for now

Whats in Your Closet?

2009-03-13T13:36:00.005-06:00

Have you ever cried watching Elmo? Ok...it sounds so silly. And yet one day I sat watching TV with my kiddos. Elmos World came on and a flood of memories hit me of a sweet little boy. When he was 2 Joshua absolutely loved it. "Da da da da, da da da da....Elmos World." He would sing it in his cute little voice. Silly kid. He was so cute. So I sat watching Elmo with tears pouring down my face while my living children wondered why on earth I would ball over Elmo.

Grief is funny like. It hits you when you least expect it. The missing of your special person is always there just under the surface. It only takes a thought or memory to bring it back up to the surface for all to see again before you stuff it back down again so you can function like a "normal" person. Even when you stuff it down, its not gone. Its just hidden like when you ask your kids to clean their room and you go to inspect it. It looks great. Wonderful job you say...

...And then you open the closet!

Everything falls out on top of you. Not really clean...just stuffed in a compartment to look good. When more painful memories creep up you open the door and throw them in really fast and close the door so everything doesn't fall out on you. Every once in awhile the closet becomes so full it is in danger of bursting open. You have to open up the door and deal with the memories, hurts, and pains trapped inside. You sort through them. Feel the pain and hurt. Cry and remember. Wonder why all over again. Scream that it can't really be true even after almost 2 years. Miss your sweet boy and think about all the wonderful memories you have of him. Pray and ask God to give you the comfort and grace you need to continue to live daily for Him. Organize your closet so the pain won't burst open and break the door completely down. Then you close the door and go on with life again for awhile. Always aware of the pain and hurts. Not gone. Just tucked away for the moment.

What pains and hurts are locked in your closet? What do you keep under your surface demeanor? Waiting to surface when you are tired or stressed? When you don't have the strength to hold the closet door closed any longer?

Cell Phone Photos

2009-02-14T14:26:00.003-07:00

I finally figured out how to get my cell phone pics onto my computer. Here is a small sampling from my camera over the last year. :)

Micah and Jacob at Upward Basketball February or March of 2008.

Jeff at Lynn's preschool being silly

My little Upward cheerleader last weekend

Goooooo Upward!!!!

I'm ready for surgery Mom! Last year getting his ear tubes out.

25 Random Things About Me.

2009-02-01T15:10:00.003-07:00

Here are 25 random facts about me. I was tagged on facebook with this and I thought it was kind of fun.

1. I am the youngest of 6...the baby of the family.

2. One day when I was little I put my beloved kitty named Taffy in my little cloth suitcase and zipped it closed. Hours later when I returned I found a huge whole where Taffy had chewed himself out. I am happy now that kitty didn't suffocate. Kids do the meanest things sometimes.

3. I used to have a crush on Johny Gage from the show Emergency. How embarrasing. We played Emergency on an old rusty dump truck that was sitting in our yard.

4. One of my dear sisters was very creative and was the mastermind of many games. We spent hours playing "Yoga Yoga Flowers." She also made me pull her in a cart, clean our room because I was the slave and she was the master and make me close my eyes and taste different foods.

5. I was quite a tom boy growing up. No dolls and girly things for me. More like marble herds, lizards and a wonderful pair of bars in our yard that I swung on for hours.

6. I don't know how I survived childhood. I almost died climbing on cliffs many times. It was only the little bushes that I clung onto for dear life that saved me.

7. Yes, It was me who lit a fire and burned a big black spot on the green carpet in the upstairs hall! Knowing my parents would notice a giant black burn on the rug, I rolled it up and threw it away. It was an ugly carpet anyways! :)

8. One day on a family trip in Oregon I went around behind an old building to look at some cows. When I came back everyone was gone. It began to rain. The building was locked up and so I sat on a swing and waited over an hour for them to return.

9. One of my sisters and I had the privalege of finding a giant fake pink fingernail in our salad in a restaruant on a trip to see another sister in Oregon.

10. I was a band geek in high school and play the baritone. I spent many hours with my dear band friends in college. They are a unique set of people. :)

11. I spent a summer with the Velvet Knights Drum and Bugle Corps.

12. After my youth pastor dropped me off one day I ran up the driveway with mail in hand and tripped. I felt a crunch in my right arm. No one was home so I casually opened my mail and was pleased to note I had been accepted into an honor band. Then I called a neighbor and told her I thought I broke my arm. She took me to the hospital. It took a few hours to get ahold of my parents. The break was caused by a benign tumor in my radius so I had to have surgery to remove it.

13. One of my most embarrasing moments is being dropped off in a giant grey ugly navy bus at school in the bus loading zone in front of all the other kids. Yes the old bus was fun on trips but NOT for taking children to school in front of their peers.

14. My very creative sister had a great idea one day on how to make our hair lovely. She carefully beat some eggs and we both rubbed them through our hair. Time to rinse....No one told her you have to rinse with cold water. We got in a nice hot shower and discovered that eggs don't rinse out well in hot water. They cook. Gross....scrambled egg hair!

15. My roommate and I made a pully system complete with a little basket with the people in the room above us so we could send notes and items up and down. It was lots of fun.

16. I was arrested in Turkey for Christian Propagana.

17. I only dated for 2 months before I got engaged. We were married in 4 months! I wouldn't recommend that to my children.

18. I have the greatest mom in the world...and the greatest siblings in the world! I love my family...neices, nephews, cousin, sisters, brother, aunties and uncles... and will soon have a newgrand nephew. :)

19. One of my boys was 10lbs2oz. There was no anesthesiologist available so no epidural for me!

20. I have four amazing wonderful children...3 with red hair.

21. My oldest son Joshua with lovely brown curls died in a swimming accident when he was almost 11. I will never be the same again without him here on earth. My church family has been a huge help and support for my family... bringing meals, hugs and support. The day Joshua died I was in a car accident and spent hours in the ER. My pastor and his wife sat with me and helped with my living children while they stitched me up. I am so thankful they are caring wonderful people who serve our Lord Jesus.

22. I serve Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I look forward to the day I will join Him in Heaven and be reunited with Joshua and with my dear mother and my sister Tammy (and any other dear family who pass before me).

23. We have a little black pug named Midna after a Zelda character from a game my son Joshua loved.

24. I work for Care Net....A crisis pregnancy clinic....and am a nurse sonographer/nurse manager. I love to do ultrasounds on pregnant women. It is a great job.

25. I am starting a course in March to become an RDMS which stands for registered diagnostic medical sonographer.

Snow Day!

2009-01-27T16:38:00.002-07:00

Today the phone rang at 6AM. Ohhh...who could be calling before my alarm...how rude! We didn't catch the main phone but within a few seconds my husband's cell began to ring. Then my cell began to ring. What was this conspiracy to wake me up eary? When I answered my cell I quickly found out the school was testing a new automated information system. Due to the high winds with corresponding low wind chills and white-out conditions, school was cancelled. Wow! A real snow day. No work for me...hurray! Laying around doing nothing...I really could have done a ton today but I sat and watched Little House on the Prairy all day. :) So here I am at almost 5 pm and the natives are growing restless. Crying and fighting and whining. The wind is blowing and the snow is building a giant drift across our road and driveway. It is too cold for the kids to play outside. I think this snow day thing is overrated! :) I think a family movie complete with popcorn will be in order tonight. I will enjoy the routine tomorrow of getting the kids out the door to school and then heading out to work.

Dear Mr. President

2009-01-23T15:28:00.005-07:00

Dear Mr. President,

I am very happy to see an African American as president. What an amazing day in history to see our country finally break through the race barriers and treat men of different races as equal. If for nothing else then that reason, I celebrate your election into the highest office on our country.
Once people argued that "black" people were not equal and shouldn't be given the same rights as white folk. They were property....the same as pets or farm animal. Mr. President, thank you for putting that prejudice hopefully to rest.

That said Mr. President, I am very concerned about you as my President. I find that the wonderful freedoms in our country...the freedom to life, liberty, and happiness are still in jeopardy. Some are being persecuted daily with the same arguments that your people were once persecuted. The arguments that they are not real people ring out loud and clear... that they are just property...that they are only important if they are wanted...that they are just a choice. They are the unborn. They are being exterminated at an alarming pace. Almost 4000 babies are aborted daily in our country alone. Did you know that black children are aborted at over 3 times the rate of white children? Does that surprise you at all? Do you care? Did I just hear that you lifted the ban on funding abortions in foreign countries today by an executive order? That you support Roe Vs. Wade? That you might sign a Freedom Of Choice Bill which would then allow abortions throughout pregnancy and even partial birth abortion? Why would you of all people...you who have known persecution...you who profess to be a Christian...choose to support the destruction of children throughout the world?

Mr. President...it has been only days since your inauguration. People are singing your praises and looking to you as our "Savior." There is only one Savior, Mr. President, and it is not you. It is the one you say you believe in. He is Jesus our Lord. How could you in good conscience be a part of allowing children to be murdered if you truly serve our Lord. How could you choose to purposely write into law things that violate every belief that we as Christians hold dear?

I will pray for you each day Mr. President. I will pray that God's will be done through you, in you, and to you. It is better that a millstone be tied around your neck and you be cast into the sea then for you to lead one child astray. You are the physical leader of our country. Many look to you as an example. Many will believe what you say and want what you want. Please make wise choices. Please make Godly choices. May you come to truly know our Lord and live for Him each day.

Sally

For anyone interested in the reality of abortion in our country today check out the following link. If you want facts and truth this is a great site.

http://www.abort73.com/index.php

To meme or not to meme...

2009-01-18T22:27:00.009-07:00

I was visiting the blog of my dear sister, Terry, and she had a meme posted. Because the picture she posted was the best and cutest ever...I am very biased here since they are of my daughter so do go check them out at http://tsduff.blogspot.com/ )...I decided to play along. Terry didn't tag anyone and neither will I; however I would encourage anyone to play along if they should so desire. The rules are as follows:

Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer.

Select the 4th picture in the folder.

Explain the picture.

Tag four people to do the same.

No Cheating (cropping, editing, etc.)

So what picture did I find in my fourth file in my number four picture spot?.....

This is a picture of my dear Joshua's headstone. The inscription on the front says, "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."

This side of the stone had Joshua's picture added to it between the dates after we took this photo. He was an adventurer at heart and we believe he is onto his greatest adventure with our Lord in eternity. :) We still miss him daily and look forward to our reunion with him in Heaven.

Yes, we are still alive!

2009-01-16T17:00:00.002-07:00

Do you ever have times when you just can't seem to get motivated to post anything? I feel bad for all of my blog buddies who expect to see something new and exciting and just find the same post from Christmas! But here I am...back again. :)

What is new and exciting in the Heyer household? Hmmmmm. Well, besides mulitple trips to the emergency room with my husband for migrains and medication reactions (that is another story), battling bickering children and then praising them for honor rolls and special activities, and of course missing Joshua each day, I have been accepted into an RDMS program. That stands for Registered Diagnostic Medical Sonographer. The program will help get me ready to take the registry exam for obstetric and gynecological ultrasound. I am excited about the program.

Thats it for now.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T14:45:00.002-07:00

Merry Christmas from the Heyers!!

All Ready for the church Christmas Musical

2008-12-13T18:08:00.003-07:00

Lynn and Jacob were in our church musical called, "The Christmas County Spelling Bee. " Hopefully I will be able to get some video clips online soon. :) I know I am a little mushy but they are soooo cute.

Tomorrow, will be another busy day as we head to watch Micah's concert after church. He will be performing with the Casper Children's Chorale and the Wyomings Symphony Orchestra. I will try to get some of those clips online soon with my husband's help. It has been a busy week but I love seeing the kids perfom. I have been transformed into one of those sappy moms I always used to laugh at...You know....the ones who cry at weddings and silly children's school programs. :) I am not really that sad about it. I just love my kids so much. You can't really understand it until you are a mom.

2008-12-10T15:36:00.002-07:00

This is where my memories will always be because this was Joshua's favorite place. He loved to go their and play in the water. Merry Christmas Joshua we love you, and miss you

2008-12-07T21:47:00.002-07:00

Merry Christmas Joshua

We miss you so much

The Rest of Thanksgiving

2008-12-03T06:00:00.002-07:00

After a nice big meal how did you spend the rest of Thanksgiving? Well I know what my kids did the rest of the evening. I have the photos to document it. :)

Micah eating turkey all the day long

what about my left overs for soups and sandwiches?

Completey all gone!

Jacob?

Yes, he was sneaking turkey too . :)

I think he looks a little too happy here,

Don't you?

Kicking back on the couch

staring at the TV.

What ever could they be watching?

It sure beats me.

Strange TV shows the kids watch today

they just sat on the couch eating away.
How about the princess?
Where could she be?

She was all tired out

sleeping

content as could be

Lynn's Karate Pictures

2008-11-27T15:48:00.002-07:00

Daddy and his Tiny Tiger

I'm ready to test Daddy!

Karate class after test

I'm an orange belt now!

What style is your Blog?

2008-11-25T08:23:00.004-07:00

What style is your blog? If you want to find out type in your blog address at http://www.typealyzer.com/ and supposedly it will analyze your writing style.

My blog style is: Artists.

Thank you Lady Bananna for the link. :)

Christmas is Coming

2008-11-22T10:32:00.003-07:00

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat

Please put a penny in an old man's hat

_____________

That old song has been running through my head this morning on the Saturday before our American Thanksgiving. I have 2 sisters and a brother-in-law who have lost jobs this year and are unemployed. Times are getting hard here in the land of plenty. What have we to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

.................................

I bet most of us still have much more then the majority of the world's population. If you are reading this, you have access to a computer. :) Hurray! I bet most of us will eat today. Hurray! I bet most of us will sleep with a roof over our heads and walls to protect us from the wind. Most of us have loved ones to visit and call and enjoy. Most of us are loved and cared about by someone. On top of all the blessings I have including my husband and 3 living children, I can look forward to meeting my Savior face to face when this word passes away. I can look forward to being reunited with my son who died at the age of 10 and my sister and my Mom. Perhaps I can even be thankful for the extra pounds I have to sustain me through any coming lean times. :) (Well that is a little harder to be thankful for. I am off to Curves to try to get rid of that)

...........................

So tell me what you are thankful for this week and then go find an old man or a someone in need and give your time and money. Help someone in more need then you as we head towards Christmas.

I hate mirrors

2008-11-18T08:21:00.006-07:00

To say our household has been under a lot of stress would be an understatement. Its been over a year since Joshua died. The world has been a blur full of lack of motivation to do much of anything.

Stress can be helpful as a motivator but as you will notice on this highly scientific looking chart....too much stress decreases our performance significantly. It also has a tendency to cause weight gain or loss. In my case...gain. :(

So I pass my days away and can't believe its been over a year since Joshua died. Here comes the horror. My church put up a full lenth mirror in the entrance. How horrible can that be? To see your whole body with all its fat attached. Perhaps this has been the shock that will jar me back into reality.

My pants are tight and my tummy is bulging. So I finally did the horrible deed. I got on a scale.

GASP!

I have gained over 30 pounds since Joshua died!

This has got to stop.

Curves....here I come.

A boy and his dog

2008-11-14T08:04:00.003-07:00

A boy and his dog. :)

What can bring a smile

when his world has fallen apart

When the hurts of this world overwhelm him

When death has touched his very heart

***********

What comfort can a boy find

when schoolwork piles high

when sadness plagues his every thought

when all he wants to do is cry

***********

When Mom has chores for him to do

but his heart screams, "I don't care!"

I saw my brother die before me?

I dont want to even push in my chair

************

So up he goes to his room with the door slammed closed

mixed feelings running through his head

he feels a gentle wet nose on his face

as he lays hurting on his bed
************

Little stinky black pug?

with big bulging eyes

with silly snorting noises

and soft little sighs?
***********

How can he not smile

when you snuggle against him

when you lick his nose

and you bite at his toes

*************

Good feelings fill his heart with hope

he has a true companion and friend

His face is smiling and he can go on

thanks to the attentinons of a little black dog

What is Important?

2008-11-07T15:20:00.004-07:00

Anger, bitterness, sorrow....victory, spite, and haughtiness. It seems that the election has left emotional divisions and downright mean hearted speech and actions throughout the country. What is so important about rubbing it in? About putting others down? Whether you believe there is no God and we need to have tolerance for all or if you believe in God with unmerited love for all, even "sinners," there should be no reason for the maligning and hurtful words towards anyone who believes differently from you. We all agree we are supposed to love one another. And yet it seems that both sides are struggling to love anyone who doesn't think like they do. Loving doesn't mean agreeing with. It doesn't mean saying it is OK. We get to vote so we can try to influence the country into what we want it to be. We get to say our mind about the ideals we hold dear. Can we not speak our truth with love and respect for each other? With a caring heart. Without lies and twisted truths? While the country is plunged into hurtful actions and speech, life continues. Babies are born and people die. Pets die. People struggle with finances and sickness. What is truly important? I was visiting my son's cross last weekend and remembered his little hamster we buried in July. Remembered releasing balloons in memory of my son who died in the creek below. What is important? Not wasting my energy hating those who voted differently...that is for sure. Truth without love in nothing but a noisy gong, a clanging cymbal. What is important to me? Each person created as a masterpiece by our Creator. My faith, my integrity, my family....my eternal reunion with my Lord and with my son.

Even silly little Hamsters. :)

I wrote about little hammy after we buried him in July. He died a few days shy of the one year anniversary of my son Joshua's death. My son Micah took special care of the little hamster in honor of his big brother. Here are some pictures of Hammy's burial. We buried the little guy on July 20th, 2008 and released balloons in honor of Joshua exactly one year from the day we lost him from our presence here on earth.

We gently laid little Hammy in an "I can't believe its not butter" coffin on some soft tissue and added some flowers and some fox tails. I am sorry to admit that I found humor in the I can't believe its not butter container. No it really isn't butter inside. Strange the thoughts that go through one's head.

We buried Hammy next to the Joshua's cross right above the little creek Joshua died in. It is funny how much comfort that small act of a burial near Joshua's cross can bring.

Remember people are hurting and living each day the best they can. Everyday trials are made bearable by the loving caring support of friends and family. Don't forget what is important in this life. Don't forget to love each other.

Children's Chorale

2008-11-03T16:05:00.001-07:00

Micah Singing

2008-11-03T16:03:00.001-07:00

What a Difference 4 years can Make

2008-10-19T16:03:00.003-06:00

There is something wonderful about extended family. Having the kids get to know their cousins and aunts and uncles. Living way out in Wyoming makes it hard for the kids to get to know their relatives. Four years in between visits for these cousins. What a difference four years can make. Hopefully we won't have to wait that long next time.

Two cute cousins then....

and Now...

Two more cute cousins then...

And now

And my Micah Man then...
And Now

How Would You Spend Your Vacation

2008-10-17T14:22:00.004-06:00

Micah spent his time enjoying Aunti Terry's Chicky.

Uncle Scotty and Jacob sewed up Jacob's cape

And Jeff just enjoyed some time to sleep

What do you like to do on your time off?

It is a Poverty

2008-10-15T07:00:00.008-06:00

"It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish"-Mother Teresa

Many feel that Mother Teresa was a saint. She spent her life helping others. She cared about all who were needy...including the unborn. She considered others equal to herself. When we look at the global issue of poverty is not equality at the heart of the issue? Is each person as deserving as me? What if they make bad choices and are lazy? I work hard for my money so am I not entitled to all of it?

I am greatly concerned about the selfishness all around me embedded into our society...our philosphy of living can be summed up something like this...My life is more important then your life. I don't care if "you" suffer as long as it doesn't affect me.

Allowing the poverty we see to continue is a matter of convenience for those who have at the cost of those who have not.

Do the unborn have rights? Or are they less deserving then hardworking useful people...

Our life view has become so warped that our wants as "women" outweigh the needs of our own children. How are we supposed to fight poverty when we each live exclusively for our own selves? Why would we concern ourselves with the needs of the poor when we have already hardened ourselves against the weakest and the neediest in society?

My words may sound brazen and offensive to many. And yet how many of us put our own wants above the needs of others every day. From the harsh example of abortion to small and selfish acts in our daily routine. I have sat on the computer (I don't think I am the only one) when my preschooler begged me to make breakfast. "Just a few more minutes, Sweety," I say as I continue typing. Those few minutes drift into an hour and my hungry child goes and finds something else to do with a rumbling tummy. When I realize how long it has been I feel horrible. I am guilty as charged with letting my wants come above the needs of others. I had the power and ability to help my child eat and yet my own selfish desire to finish what I was doing side-tracked me and I allowed my child to go hungry. I valued my want above my daughter's need.

As long as our society puts "our own" rights to have and do whatever we want above the rights and needs of others we can not begin to put a dent in poverty.

Waiting for the Trolley in San Francisico

.......trying not to look at the homeless people laying nearbye

The homeless picture is not my own...and yet it could have been. What a contrast on our trip to San Francisco...three well fed and loved children waiting for a trolley in San Francisco... not more the 50 feet away lay a number of homeless people. Crowds of people walked by and never once made eye contact with any of the cold and dirty people laying on the sidewalk. Never once offered a helping hand or a kind word. I was among the crowds and joined in by ignoring "them" too. I was disturbed by my own reaction when I got home that night and thought about it from a nice warm bed.

Can we change our foundational beliefs to value each life as equally deserving? That homeless woman lying in the streets of San Francisco on our trip last summer who looked like she was in pain... why didn't she deserve my time and energy? Why didn't I stop and ask if she was ok or if I could help her with anything? Why did I not make eye contact with her? And what did I tell my children? Those people laying in the street are homeless. They have no place to live. It is very sad. Some people are homeless but they have a shelter available if they want to go there? It isn't our responsibility? Why did I not tell them....Children we need to go offer to help these people that no one cares about. I know we are here to have fun on a trip, but they need help. Let us go offer some food and human company to them. Let us show them they are worthy of love and kindness.

There is no easy answer. The poor will always be with us. The Bible tells us if we see our brother in need and do not help then how does the love of God abide in us? I believe the most important thing each person can do is to begin to value each life as precious and unique. Each life as worthy of caring for and of reaching out a hand to. Is it more important to spend my money on my hair and lunch with coworkers then finding a worthy humanitarian ministry and giving to those who are truly in need? Can I not spend that extra "fun" money on food for the hungry? Houses for the homeless? Clothes for the unclothed? Oh I know many have made poor choices and will continue to make poor choices. For some, their poverty is due to their own addictions, laziness, mental illnesses, etc. But is their value based on how smart they are and the choices they make? Or is their value based on being a member of humanity created unique and wonderful in God's own image. Something to think about. If we all spent just one tenth of our time (2.4 hours per day) helping to be a part of the solution...Wow! How much could be done to help eradicate poverty. Time spent helping someone learn how to read so they can get a job? Time spent bringing blankets to homeless people? Baby sitting, food pantry volunteer, even praying...Who knows. Be creative. Be a part of the solution.

As long as we put our needs and wants above others, we will not be able to make a dent in the poverty around us. It must start with us as individuals....one hand reaching out to another in love and hope.

http://blogactionday.org/js/490bad20c0ea729d8cb11e10e2fccb85a135c938

What is different here?

2008-10-13T21:06:00.002-06:00

Always smiling and cute as a button

But something is looking different today...

What could it be?

What do you say?

Can you guess? What looks different about my beautiful daughter?

Hmmm....Isn't this supposed to be autum?

2008-10-11T09:48:00.004-06:00

October...changing colors with falling leaves everywhere...

Harvest time with a crisp chill to the air

browns, oranges and beautiful reds

thoughts of Halloween candy filling our heads

What happened today? This doesn't seem right.

I look outside and all is bright white

Where did our autum go?

It all got covered up in snow.

.............................................................................................

If Joshua were here, he would be out trying to sled in the back yard (after a mad rush of trying to find snow suite, gloves, boots, and hat). :) He was always excited about the snow. Never mind that the snow needs to ice up before you can sled properely.

He would come in all wet and soggy ready for some hot chocolate after finding out you can't sled on soggy snow (again). Snow balls anyone? His memories are still fresh in our hearts. His excitement contagious even without his physical presence.

Best Job Ever

2008-10-06T11:27:00.004-06:00

Can I just tell you that I love my job? I get to do ultrasound on pregnant women. Every time I see these babies...I am amazed again at how fully formed they are.

I snagged this photo from a free photo search so I don't know how far along this little one is. I would guess somewhere around 12-14 weeks. Fully formed with fingers and toes and even permanent fingerprints.

Can you guess when baby's heart start beating? I have seen a beating heart on a 1 mm baby. We can see baby's heart beating on our ultrasound as early as 5 weeks and 1-3 days of pregnancy. That is 3 weeks and 1-3 days since conception. Those little hearts are already beating when most women are just finding out they are pregnant. A week or two since they miss their period.

I find life to be amazing and wonderful. I think about my son Joshua. Fearfully and wonderful made. Known by God while he was knitted together in my womb. Each new life is a gift and a wonder. For those who have lost a baby to miscarrage or abortion... My heart goes out to you. You are still a mom or Dad to a beautiful and wonderful perfectly created child. No one can take that from you.

Name the Caption

2008-10-05T22:05:00.001-06:00

I need a caption....What do you think?

Pulling back

2008-10-04T10:17:00.006-06:00

What...Oh what...Pray tell me do you see?

Can you orient your eyes to understand this picture?

Lets pull back a little bit....

....

......

........

..........

Oh....Now I see....still looking strange

Lets pull back some more

..............

.....................

................................

They look happy...but

Are they laying down?

sitting somehow?

Lets pull back a little farther

..........................

.........................................

..........................................................

....................................................................................

Silly boys on our trip

One stands the other sits

The upside down head

makes for quite a trick.

Name that Caption

2008-10-03T16:34:00.003-06:00

Where, what, when, why, how?

San Francisco trolly

2008-09-28T16:11:00.002-06:00

After riding on BART into San Fran with the kids we excitedly purchased tickets for a trolly ride down to Fisherman's Warf. I had memories from my childhood filling my brain of fun and excitement. Ok....we had to wait in a huge line to buy the tickets. "Mom? Why are those people laying on the sidewalk?" How do I explain homelessness to my young children? 30 minutes later we finally had our tickets to ride the trolly. Wait, where does the line start? Way down there?! Oh dear. 45 minutes later we neared the front of the line. Everyone get on! Squish....smoosh....owe! Did we get everyone? I thought we were supposed to be having fun.

Watching the trolly turn around at the end of the line

Jacob....not so sure about this squishy trolly thing

Lynnie just going with the flow

Micah....this is kind of fun for a few minutes

We finally get off at the end of the line down at Fishermans Warf. Brrrrr. I noticed the temperature dropped about 20 degrees. "Mom...I forgot my coat." I hear the beginning of the complaining choruses. I donate my warm sweater to the cause of freezing children. Now I am freezing and exhausted and we just now arrived at our destination. Crowds of people swarm every direction. "I Want to go home," come the cries from the children. Far off across the bay we see Alcatraz. My husband has always dreamed of seeing it. Hurray! We saw it...lets go home. We saw the seals too at Pier 39. Then we waited for another 45 minutes to catch a bus back to the place we could catch the BART.

Alcatraz

San Francisco....all my good and fun memories from my childhood didn't work out as I thought. My oldest living boy said it was scary and he never wanted to go back. Too crowded and cold with homeless people laying around. A little like a prison? Thank goodness we live in the open space of Wyoming. Ahhhhh.....and think of the memories the kids will have from the experience.

Bye Bye Hammy

2008-09-26T19:53:00.003-06:00

Little hamster soft and sweet

very fuzzy and loves too eat

squeaking running wheel at night

after we turn off the light

You were Joshua's before you were mine

on the finest hamster food you did dine

Hammy was your given name

and now nothing will be the same

To find you dying and struggling to breathe

was a fact we just couldn't conceive

We held you close and said our goodbyes

wishing you didn't have to die

Good bye little hamster, good bye sweet pet

In your grave at Joshua's cross now do you set

May your little spirit soar right up above

And find our big brother Josh and give him our love

2008-09-26T08:59:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday Joshua sweety. I don't know if you even care about birthdays in Heaven. What is a year in Heaven? Do you even have years now? But to me here on earth....you would be 12 years old today. I would have given you a hug and a happy birthday before sending you off to school. I would be getting a party ready for you and a special dinner. Today would be focused on how special and wonderful you are. The funny thing is that the day isn't just for you. It is for those who love you to celebrate and thank our Lord for creating you and allowing us to enjoy your presence in our lives. I do thank God for creating you my boy. I look forward to the time we will be reunited in eternity with our Lord. I just miss you oh so much my little man.

Here is a poem written by your Aunt Terry last year for your birthday.

I'm singing a song

For a loved one who's gone
But I picture his face
Ever smiling
We think of his joy
Our sweet handsome boy
Of Joshua Cute and beguiling

I think of his family of Sally and Jeff
Micah, Erik, Jacob, Lynn Marie

And Westley as well,

Their grief blends with love
As they join hearts together with me.

Happy birthday dear Josh
Happy birthday from us
We miss you with each passing day

Happy birthday to you
We celebrate your life
Whose spark still gives out Lovely rays.

Thinking of you today on Josh's birthday.
Love and hugs,Terry

Autum decorations

2008-09-25T19:16:00.003-06:00

Autum is here...sooo off we went to decorate Joshua's grave. He would have liked how cool his grave site is. He would have liked Halloween decorations too but it seems a little tacky to put that in a grave yard.

The vases look nice and we were able to fill them up with fall flowers.

We finally got Joshua's picture put on the stone. Finally it is complete.

Off to Terry's house

2008-09-20T16:21:00.008-06:00

Jacob and Scott in Terry's kitchen

What was the best part of our trip you want to know...

spending time with family and letting relationships grow

Off to Terry's we did drive

though it took many an hour
for us to arrive.

Aunti Terry, Uncle Scott,

many cousins too...

Young Hunter, Cody, and Sierra,

are some we must include...

Cousins Hannah, Becky, and Joe of course

We couldn't do without them...

And Misty, Brian, and Beryl too

How glad we were to see you

Sierra

Hunter with Jacob and Micah

Hunter, Jacob, and Cody

The girls...Lynnie and Sierra

Joe and Lynnie

Rainy Day

2008-09-12T09:35:00.006-06:00

Grey and cold. Dark and wet. I sit here at the computer with my steaming Good Earth chai in hand and wonder why all the energy has been sapped right out of me today. Apathy. Why do I not feel like the woman below?

This woman is out in the rain delighting in the experience of each drop falling apon her. Are we just victims to the whims of our emotions or can we somehow through shear willpower change ourselves into this happy joyful woman savoring the rain? Ahhh but here is the trouble. I have not the desire or energy to fight the clouds some days. Perhaps the rain and the cloudy skys will water my soul and allow new growth tomorrow. Perhaps it is these dark dreary days that our Lord uses to water our dry heart and our parched souls. May His Holy Spirit fill us with the joy and renewed energy to face the day with excitement and purpose. May we dance for joy as God rains His Spirit upon us.

The beach....Yeah!

2008-08-30T13:36:00.002-06:00

Sad goodbyes to Kelly and family. Off we head to Terry's house. Down the Oregon Coast we go. We stopped briefly at a sandy beach on the way for the kids to get out and stretch...

Lynn ran right out to the water and was promptly knocked down by a wave. She was soaked but still smiling. Now trying to get back in the car to drive the rest of the way to Terry's house was another matter. :)

Micah enjoyed wading and letting the water pull the sand out from under his feet.

Jacob had a giant cut under his toe from a tent peg at Kelly's and wasn't allowed to take off his shoes. Poor little guy. He still found ways to enjoy the beach even with shoes and socks on.

Daddy and his Micah James. :)

Not just soaking wet but covered in sand....yikes.

Scenic drive along the Columbia River

2008-08-24T15:05:00.002-06:00

Kelly and I struggled to find willing picure subjects. :) I did manage to sneak a few in.

Caleb and Lynn

I managed to catch Luke here when he stuck his head up.

Me and Jeff

I caught Jacob peaking trough this arch

Jacob and his Daddy

More Pictures in Oregon

2008-08-24T14:56:00.002-06:00

Our picnic by the Bonniville Dam

Jacob and Luke

Looking way up and Jeff, Lynn and Jacob at the Dam

This fountain had spickets that said drinking water. I do hope the water was ok for Micah and Lynnie to drink

Kelly Marie and Lynnie Marie at the fish hatchery

????!!!!!!!! What horrible aberration of nature could this be?

2008-08-22T08:07:00.006-06:00

Yuck! They are Pacific Lamprays.

Memories.....

Julee, I thought of you right away when we went to the Bonneville Dam fish ladders and saw these lamprays. I remember when we were here with Mom and Dad and how funny we thought they were.

On To Kelly's

2008-08-22T07:47:00.003-06:00

Luke, Kelly, and Caleb

Next we drove down to Kelly's house in Oregon. It was good to see my sister and her boys. :) We were sad we didn't get to see much of Isaac or Terry because of their very busy schedules.

Jacob spinning around at the park

Lynnie and Caleb

Micah, Jacob, and Luke

Three cuties by the Columbia River

Yeah! We got to pick Jeff up in Portland so he was able to join us on our trip.

Wonderful Dale and Richard!

2008-08-16T19:19:00.003-06:00

We enjoyed our stay with my Aunt Dale and Uncle Richard. They have a beautiful place up on San Jaun Island in Washington State. Dale was a trooper and had a big smile even while recovering from a surgery. The kids enjoyed finding crabs and and little sea creatures along the beach during low tide. Jacob was impressed that we could see Canada across the water. I wish we could have stayed longer. We love you Dale and Richard. :)

Richard and Dale

Jacob

Me and the kids.

We could not get the kids to take a regular picture so Richard joined right in on the fun.

Ferry to San Jaun Island

2008-08-15T12:25:00.003-06:00

Off we go to San Jaun Island after a 2 hour wait in line for the ferry.

My three cuties on their first ferry ride.

Enjoying the windy ride

Micah

Lone gull floating on log

Hi Mom...I see you!

Yellowstone in one day?

2008-08-09T10:07:00.003-06:00

Yellowstone in one day doesn't do justice to God's amazing handywork. Micah loved the blue pools since blue is his favorite color. Jacob loved running along the wooden trails and was disappointed when we had to go back into the car without fully exploring each place. Lynn loved the geysers. I loved it all, especially seeing the kids having fun. :)

One of the lovely blue pools Micah loved

We saw Old Faithful but I didn't have my camera with me. Here is a smaller geyser we saw on the way.

Looking over a bridge rail

As we drove through a little town near the northern boarder we came across a herd of Elk enjoying the lawn.

Balloon Release

2008-07-22T08:06:00.001-06:00

Joshua's Heaven Date Balloon Release

2008-07-20T19:04:00.002-06:00

Thinking deep thoughts about last year at this time.

Four lined up and looking at the place were Joshua died one year ago today.

Ready for launch! Memories all written down on the balloons.

Thank you Zena for coming today.

It means alot to me that you were willing

to come and share in remembering Joshua.

We released 11 balloons up into the air today in memory of our Joshua. I can't believe a whole year has passed since he left us here on earth and went to Heaven. We were happy that Zena came along as she was one of Joshua's best friends. I took some video of the balloons floating away but still haven't been able to upload a video onto this site. I didn't get any regular pictures of all the balloons unfortunatly. It is hard to film and let them go at the same time. :)
Thank you, everyone, who sent up special prayers and thoughts for us and Joshua today. It has been a long hard year. I still cant believe he has been gone that long. I expect him to come running in the door anytime.

One Year Ago Today

2008-07-20T06:00:00.001-06:00

One Year Ago Today

When I awoke one year ago today

Everything seemed to be going ok

I didn't believe anything would go wrong

We were happy and our family was strong.

You were grinning and enjoying the sun

Lets go get Micah I said, We gotta run

===================

As we climbed in the car one year ago today

Everything was doing ok

You were in a good mood, a big smile on your face

Jacob and Lynnie too

Off we went to pick up Micah

Then we could have fun for a few

===================

We stopped at Wallmart along the way

And everything was still ok

Brand new water shoes, they were bright orange,

Graced your feet as we headed to the car

===================

Waiting for Micah at the church one year ago today

Everything was still doing ok

You ran around having fun and wanting to play

While I chatted with fellow parents

No strong urge or thought to pray

===================

We ate Subway one year ago today

Everything was going ok

You ordered a meatball sub just like your Dad

Nothing warned me that soon I would be so sad.

===================

You and Micah were best buddies one year ago today

And everything sure seemed ok

You both asked "Can we go to the spillway slide to swim?"

Dad and I said yes and off you went.

=====================

How I wish I would have taken more time to say goodbye

I couldn't know that my yes meant you would die.

One year ago today my son everything was ok

Until sometime between 2 and 3 that day.

=====================

When I answered the phone a year ago today

I didn't know that every thing had forever changed

Everything was not ok!....You my boy had gone away

======================

...Lost in the river?

No it cant be!

Joshua my son!

Come back home to me!

======================

You are so much a part of my life

Not having you here just isn't right

Memories still fill my heart each day

Even now a whole year since you went away...

=======================

Beautiful curly hair for me to run my fingers through

Your silly voice saying..."I love you Lynnie Poo"

Funny crab walking up the stairs

Begging to go to county fairs

====================

You liked rap on 104.7

You wanted a green mansion when you got to Heaven

Hiking and swimming, adventures and fun

Your hair getting blond in the hot summer sun

====================

You hated turkey but loved honey baked ham

You were growing into such a tall handsome young man

Cub Scouts, singing, VBS,

teasing siblings and making a mess.

=================

You love to travel and go on trips

most of the knees in your pants had big rips

The girls were starting to fall in love with you

You weren't quite sure what to do

===============

So many memories and thoughts fill my heart

each moment of each day we are apart

Wait for me my son with our dear Lord

'til the day I join you and we receive our reward

==============

I love you Joshua and miss you more then you could imagine!

Every single day since that day....

One year ago....today that you went to Heaven

Poem - I Hurt - Unknown Author

2008-07-19T11:31:00.005-06:00

Here is a poem I found on a grief support group. I really like it. :) I don't know who the original author is.

I said, "God I hurt."

And God said, "I know."

I said, "I cry a lot."

And God said, "That's why I gave you tears.

"I said, "Life is so hard."

And God said, "That's why I gave you loved ones.

"I said, "But my loved one died!"

And God said, "So did mine!"

I said, "It's such a great loss."

And God said, "I saw mine nailed to a cross."

I said, "But your loved one lives!"

And God said, "So does yours!"

I said, "Where is he now?"

And God said, "My son is by my side and Your son is in my arms."

Flag Girl

2008-07-15T23:54:00.002-06:00

What a big grin

upon this beautiful little face

All who see her have to smile

with her joyful flagish grace

4th of July

2008-07-13T17:40:00.001-06:00

Micah and Midna all snuggled

Jacob looking Handsome

My Flag Princess after a long day of fun and fireworks.

4th of July is coming

2008-07-01T22:10:00.003-06:00

What were we doing this time last year? Today, the 1st of July, Jeff came home from 3 months in the hospital. Joshua was soooo excited to have his Daddy home. Grandma Mary and Grandpa Jim were here and took a family picture of our family. (We didn't know it would be our last together with Joshua). We had a wonderful 4th of July with Jeff and Joshua both present and happy. Joshua loved to go up to the Casper Events Center for Independence Day. We laid out on the grass around 10:00 PM for the fireworks. Joshua was snuggled up in his favorite blanket. We had a wonderful day with no idea that in just 3 weeks we wouldn't have our Joshua with us any more.

This year brings sad thoughts and memories. I wish so much that Joshua were here to spread his excitement for the holiday to everyone. He would be making all sorts of plans and begging to do all sorts of interesting activities. Jeffrey may not be home with us this year for the 4th either. He is in the hospital again and we don't know for how long. How do you make a holiday special when so many are absent? What shall we do...just the 4 of us? Go to the event center and remember. Smile, give thanks to the Lord for the 4 of us and try to make new memories together. The hurt and sadness will be present. The thoughts and memories. The questions and confusions and wonderings what if. And also the hope of things to come. A peace that passes all understanding...."All things do work together for the good of those love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28. It is that gazing into the future...our eternal future together with our Lord and with Joshua that brings a desire to keep on living each day for our Lord. To continue loving and caring and working and living each day without Joshua until the day he is there to greet me into eternity. The joy will be well worth every pain and hurt and trial ever experienced here on Earth.

God bless each of you this 4th of July and remember each day to live for our Lord and Savior.

Vacation Bible School

2008-06-20T15:33:00.003-06:00

Out Rigger Island

Our VBS this year had a Hawiian theme. Do you think Jacob got into the theme this year? Lynnie and Micah are in the 3D glasses they got during the week.

Sad days

2008-06-18T08:03:00.003-06:00

VBS! What an awesome program! I am privilaged to be a part of sharing our Lord with the youth in our town.

Ok....why the long face you ask if I love doing VBS? This year again like everything else for our family even VBS is tinged with sadness. Joshua loved to go and to help learn the music. Last year he was there in the back singing away. He would be in Pastor Jason's 5th and 6th grade class this year. He really liked Pastor Jason. His absence is very obvious to my heart each day.

so many memories still hit me every day and sometimes I even go back to the "what if he walked in the door and it was all a big mistake phase." Just wishing that I had the power to change this reality and make it different. Wanting and longing for Joshua's presence here with me. Even feeling angry that I can't make him be here. Not anger at God. Just frustration that the desire of my heart to have my boy present with me can't be fullfilled right now. I know it is not going to happen here on Earth in my lifetime unless Jesus returns before I get to join him.

Thank you Lord for never being absent from my life. You are always present. You experienced seperation from God. You know what it is like to be so far away and unable to feel, see, hear, and be a part of someone you love dearly...a part of yourself. You chose that pain so that we might be able to live in the fullness of your family for eternity. Paul counted his suffering as blessings. In the same way, help me to know that each pain and suffering brings me closer to becoming like You. Let me always praise Your Name. Let me always remember my Joshua is with you already enjoying the fullness of joy that I don't even understand yet.

Happy Birthday Erik!!!

2008-06-18T07:37:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday Erik.

19 years old

May this upcoming year bring you

God's wisdom and joy

Choose wisely the decisions and paths you take.

Remember Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

Lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways acknowledge Him

And he will make your paths straight"

Yeah for Micah

2008-06-04T08:47:00.002-06:00

Micah is the man! He tried out for the Casper Childrens Choral and was accepted. Whoo hoo! He and Joshua both tried out last year and didn't make it so he is excited. The group toured to New York City last year. This year? Who knows.

Happy Graduation Day for Erik!!!

2008-05-25T13:18:00.003-06:00

Hurray!! Erik walked with his class last night at the graduation ceremony for Natrona County Highschool!!! I didn't get good pictures I am so sad. I couldn't find him as he was in the very back row so I took some pictures of a look alike farther in. :) We will have to get some good pics of him soon. :)

Above is the real Erik walking up to get his diploma!

Below is the Erik look alike-not the real Erik!

Memorial stone is here. :)

2008-05-25T13:10:00.002-06:00

We stopped by the gravesite yesterday and low and behold there was a stone there ! Hurray! We still need the picture of Joshua on it and our two flower urns on the side. The picture will go right between his dates. I don't know if the writing stands out as much as I would like but over all I think it turned out really neat. :)

Joshua Art

2008-05-23T16:39:00.000-06:00

Artwork Original by Joshua Heyer

Very Silly Kids

2008-05-23T16:20:00.002-06:00

I have a bunch of silly kids. But I love them. This Jacob picture was taken pre wipeout. :)

Wipe Out

2008-05-23T16:07:00.002-06:00

Jacob had a wipe out on his scooter last Friday. He had 8 stitches in his lip and one of his front teeth pushed back up into the gum. The dentist is hoping the tooth will be ok and slowly drop back down. Poor guy.

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-11T19:50:00.006-06:00

What a amazing gift it is to be a mom. I have known the joy of bearing 4 beautiful children. My love for each of my children is deeper then I can fully understand. Below is a picture of me holding my first baby boy....My Joshua...my oldest. What happiness and joy. I had no idea that I would only get to raise him for 10 years. I consider each moment I spent with him a gift from God. My heart is broken with the pain of missing him. The separation is agony. And yet God chose to experience that same physical and emotional seperation from his dear Son so that we might be reunited with our loved ones for all eternity. I consider each moment spent with my living 3 precious children gifts from God. What a privalege it is to be a mom. Happy Mothers Day to all who love children and appreciate the amazing gift of life granted from our Creator.

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!" - Neugeboren 1976

Church Choir

2008-05-09T16:11:00.001-06:00

Jacob and Lynnie is a church musical...Living Inside Out. Jacob had a solo that I tried to upload but I couldn't make it work. So you will have to just see some pictures. :)

Happy weekend to everyone

2008-04-26T10:47:00.000-06:00

Jeff has updated the flowers at the grave site. This will probably be the last time before we get our head stone in. When we checked last week the stone was in process. They had the template on the stone ready to carve it. :) Soon we should be able to share the finished product.

Below are pics of the kids and Midna. :) They drug their entire bedrooms down last night. Bedding and stuffed animals filled the whole living room. This morning I had to catch a pic or two. :)

Missing my big brother

2008-04-18T15:52:00.000-06:00

Joshua...Joshua...away up high

How I miss you and sometimes I even cry

When I see and hear certain things,

"That reminds me of Josh," I say

And I get kind of sad as I think

That you had to go away

You are my big brother

and I miss you so much

I miss when you let me come in your room

and you let me play with your stuff

"I love you Lynnie"

in your silly voice you used to say

You liked to tease me

and you loved to play

I can't wait to see you again

even though it wont be for a long time

'til I get to come to heaven and see you

Oh dearest Heavenly brother of mine

Yesterdays pics

2008-04-18T15:46:00.000-06:00

Micah at his recorder concert.

Jacob the pole dancer

Lynnie up high on a school mail box....right before she fell :(

Pics

2008-04-15T21:27:00.000-06:00

Easter Egg Dying

Silly Hula Jacob

common denominator

2008-04-04T10:49:00.000-06:00

What is the common denominator in these pictures?

Terry and Lynn

Kelly and Lynn

Cousin Joe and Lynn

Joshua, Jacob and Lynn

Micah and Lynn

Daddy and Lynn

Lynnie!!! She loves to snuggle and hug and visit. She is always with people and made her way around to all the relatives that came for Joshua's funeral. My Mom, Lynn, was also a people person. The names means a babbling brook or creek. I think of her as a little stream that is always fresh and full of life... sparkling and cheerful. But beware when the storms come... you might not want to get in her way. :)

The Clubby

2008-04-01T11:12:00.000-06:00

I came across this artical in grief support group. I thought it was full of insight into losing a child. Even though I don't post about Joshua every day I think about him all the time. I am constantly aware of his absence.

The Clubby

Karen Grover

Feb 1989

In January, 1987, my husband and I became members of a very exclusive club. We had been only vaguely aware of its existence, and we thought that surely a chapter in a city the size of ours wouldn't have many members.

We had seen a few people who belonged to the club, but we didn't seem to have anything in common with them, so we didn't really get to know them. Occasionally, we read stories in the newspaper about new members being initiated into the club, but it didn't seem likely that we would ever be eligible to join, so we paid no attention.The price of membership is so dear that we couldn't imagine being a part of the club.

We must have realized in the backs of our minds that people didn't choose to join and pay the dues--it was done for them somehow. In fact, no one really has any idea of how members are selected. There are a lot of theories; but much of the time, the theories come from non-members who don't understand much about the situation.

The "club" we are now in (although it is not an organized group), is known as "bereaved parents." The cost of our membership was the life of our son; and we, like all other members, have no idea why we were selected for membership.No one wants to be in this club. Even now, months afterward, inside our hearts and minds we continue to fight membership, but there is no resigning from it. It is an automatic lifetime membership.

There was no way to avoid it--we did the best we could to keep our son safe. For fourteen years, we guided him through dangers, only to have him die in a seemingly minor auto accident.
Though we lay awake night after night, and think of it day after day, there is no answer as to why we have been thrust into this select group. We hate it and we cry out in protest, but there is no way to change it.

We have learned a lot since our membership began. We now understand much about the other members. In fact, we seek to be with them, to have regular get-togethers, to discuss our membership, and try to understand its value.

Sometimes, those outside the club are afraid of us, fearing that if they come near us or talk with us, they will be selected to become members too! Acquaintances often try to ignore the membership, pretending that it doesn't exist. They seem to think that will make things easier, and then the members won't feel "different," but it really only makes things much worse.

So many times, I have wanted someone to say hello or to tell me she has been thinking of me or to mention something about the absent child who still lives inside me and overshadows all my thoughts. I have heard people say, "I don't want to upset her, or remind her of her son, or say something that will make her cry."I want to tell them: "The only way you can make me feel worse than I already do is to pretend that it doesn't exist or that it isn't as deep and painful as you surely know it is.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of having one terrible incident go through your mind, day after day, week after week, month after month, wondering why it happened and how you could have prevented it? Well, don't worry about reminding me of my son. I am thinking about him nearly twenty-four hours a day."Sure, sometimes my mind is temporarily distracted--it would have to be to function at all. But if you think there is even one day that goes by without my child's death tearing up my heart, then you have no idea what this club is all about.

"I appreciate your talking about my child, or at least letting me talk about him. He was a very large part of my life, and ignoring him now will really hurt me. It makes me think that you feel he's no longer important because he's gone. It hurts to think that people don't want to think about him or remember good things about him, just because he has died.

"I understand that you don't want to say anything that will make me cry. That sounds kind, and I used to feel that way too, but now I know better. I'd rather the tears didn't come when you talk to me because I know they may scare you away, or at least make you very uncomfortable. But I've learned how useful and necessary they are. If I go too long without tears, my body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain of the grief. If you will allow me to cry in your presence, perhaps I won't have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers, or even cares, about my loss.

"You can't know what will make me cry--sometimes I don't know, myself. Some days I stay dry-eyed through nearly everything. Other days, the slightest thing will start the tears--things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate. Not all the tears are tears of sorrow. Even in the midst of my anguish, I sometimes cry tears of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that my son was special; perhaps because you have shared with me some precious memory about him which I had not known before.

"Please don't run away from me. Don't pretend his death never occurred, or even worse, that he never lived! I still love him, think of him, need to remember. Please share with me and we will both feel better.

"I am learning that God is not punishing me. He did not cause the death of my son. But, He can help me to grow through this experience--to become stronger and wiser and more caring, if I have some help. Initially, when I was told by a church member that I would change and grow stronger through this experience, I wanted to scream that if it meant giving up my son, I didn't want to change or get stronger. But I know I have no choice about that now--he is gone. Now my choices are to either let God, and friends, help me to become better; or I can choose to allow this grief to destroy me.

"I have to experience the grief. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, or hurry it along. That's what membership in this club is teaching me. I am choosing to allow God to take an unspeakable experience and use it to start life again...in a new and better way.

Church Easter Egg hunt on Saturday 3/23

2008-03-24T11:48:00.000-06:00

Brrrr.

Today is the egg hunt hurrary hurray.

There is snow on the ground

But we're doing ok.

When they say we can start

we will run all over the place

hunting and searching

keeping up with the pace

We'll find each and every egg

we won't leave one behind

the cold doesn't bother us

we're the tuff kind

Brrrrr

Did we say all the eggs?

Well, maybe not today

This snow is too freezing

And we have enough in our bags.

Chili cook off...

to the church we go

Eating and warming up

from the icey wet Easter snow

Mope named Grope

2008-03-20T21:49:00.000-06:00

Here is a poem by Micah for your reading pleasure. He read it at school and the teachers really liked it. :)

Me and the Mope Named Grope

By Micah Heyer

I met a Mope
His name was Grope
He was sticky and slimy
But wasn’t very smiley.

He ate everything and everyone
Out on the street
He even ate my best friend Pete.

He didn’t seem to notice me much
Well…. that was until today’s lunch

GULP!!!!!!

Hey its not so bad in here
With its sticky and slimy atmosphere.

Upward Basketball

2008-03-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

Jacob with his best friend Ryan and little sister Lynnie. :)

Help I'm surrounded....who is open to pass too?

Spring Grave

2008-02-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

Spring is coming and the ground has softened long enough for Jeff to change out the Christmas decorations to spring colors. We still await the permanent marker for our dear boy's grave. I have been sad so often lately thinking about him and missing his funny antics. Here I am, 7 months without him physically present in my life and a memory can still hit me unexpectedly and bring me to tears.

Boys in action

2008-02-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

Micah at soccor. He loves to be goalie.

Jacob's Birthday party. He is 8. :)

Memorial song for a young man killed in a motorcycle wreck.

2008-02-10T21:01:00.000-07:00

Some young men made this song about their friend who died in a motorcycle wreck. Even though I am not a rap fan and it has a few bad words in it, I thought it was really an amazing song and video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIiOzGmfINs

Our Tiny Tiger

2008-02-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

Lynnie is enjoying her Tiny Tiger karate class. Here are a few pictures

At rest position while awaiting her turn

Kick

Punch! Punch!

And a final bow

Puts a new spin on "bag lady"

2008-01-24T18:52:00.001-07:00

Are these bag children? The sure look that way....wasted some of my trash bags they did.

Lynnie's Stitches

2008-01-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

Little Lynnie's first stitches!!! She has 6 lovely blue stitches on her right knee after gashing it on the lever in the bath tub. She is quite proud of them.

What if I don't want to adapt?

2008-01-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

Many times I think I am doing ok

I am living and smiling and planning on a future.

I have 3 wonderful living children.

And then out of the blue I feel so lost again.

I Miss Joshua and want him here with me.

I wrote this poem during one of those missing Joshua moments.

Life keeps changing day by day

even when we want it to always stay the same

Some changes bring happiness and joy

others leave us crying out in pain like the loss of my boy.

......................

To these changes we must adapt or so I am told,

develop a new sense of what is and let go of the old

I don't want to adapt to this loss, not today.

The loss of my son is not ok.

....................

I don't want him to be gone

I want him here right now

I want to hug him and gaze upon his face

I want to watch him grow.

....................

Why can't I still have him?

I want him back some how.

He is supposed to be here with me, his mother

Not in heaven, not yet, not now.

Kids having fun

2007-12-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

Micah's new earring in honor of Joshua.

Jacob minus a couple of teeth.

lllllllllllllll

The next pictures were out in the freezing cold!!! I couldn't stand it for more then a few minutes without gloves on. BRRRRRRRR. The kids had fun sledding.