The Unthinkable

No one ever allows their mind to really think about losing a child because the thought is too horrible. I remember over the years thinking, "what if something happened to one of my kids," then I would push the thought right out of my mind because it was not thinkable...I couldn't let my mind go there. Each special person in my family is so unique and important that life just could not be the same without them. Which child would you chose to be without? How could you choose? I can't imagine life without Micah, or Jacob, or Lynnie.

Sadly I do know what life is like without Joshua. I didn't choose it. I didn't want it. Sometimes I still can't believe it. The unthinkable happened. Its not supposed to happen. It can't happen! And yet Joshua isn't here with me any more. No matter what I do or think. He is absent. Three years ago today my beautiful wonderful 10 year old son Joshua died in a swimming accident.

Somehow life keeps moving even without him here. Time keeps plodding forward. I smile again and laugh. I enjoy life. I love my living children more then I can imagine....can't imagine life without them. Pray I never have to. "You better let me go first Lord! I pray " :) (Like I have a choice in the matter). I wonder what life would be like now if Joshua were here still. What he would like to do now. If he would be at youth camp this week with Micah. We miss him every day and yet....wow....he is with our Lord. Nothing better could happen to him. Our loss is his gain.

The cool thing is that God has created each amazing and unique child to be eternal! Joshua may have died physically....but he is not snuffed out of existance. He is alive! He is forgiven. He is with my Lord right now. I will see him again and he will be perfected...exactly as God meant for him to be. The wait seems to be forever but it is just a blink in all of eternity. Thank you Lord Jesus that this separation is only temporary!

3 years tomorrow

Today I attended the funeral of a beautiful sweet young lady. I am so glad she knew and follwed Jesus as her Lord and Savior. I will see her again! She was just 25 years old and had only been married for 10 months. The death was tragic....shocking. All who knew Chantelle will miss her. She was tubing in the North Platte River and somehow ended up without her tube and life jacket. She was found right near the place they found Joshua. The similarities have brought back memories and thoughts of Joshua this week. Tomorrow will be three years since his death. I have been thinking about dear Chantelle's husband, parents, family. I grieve for the horrible loss they must face. I am reposting something I wrote back in November of 2007 that comes to mind.

Jesus Wept

John 11:32-35
Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and he said, Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord come and see.” Jesus Wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

The day Mary’s brother died I can imagine the questions and pain in her eyes…“If only you had been here…I believe you could have saved him…Why, Jesus …..Why did my brother have to die.”

Her thoughts spinning with numbness and shock. Grief and pain…separation. Never to see him again. Not to hear his voice aloud or see him smiling with his friends. I can’t bear this pain Lord Jesus. How could you let me down. If only you had been here Lord…Our dear brother might still be around.

What were you thinking Lord Jesus on that fateful day? You knew even while they wept and mourned that their brother would soon be raised. Still your eyes filled with tears as you felt your friend‘s pain.You wept for their loss and you cared. You knew that such pointless deaths would continue until your own task you dared.

Was it just for Mary and Martha you cried? … Or could it also be …that the tears you wept spanned across time and were also your tears shed for me. Tears of pain and sadness for the curse that our own sin brings. Death and separation from the one’s we love and from God for all eternity.

Did you feel my pain years before I was born when you wept for Lazerus that day? Did you see my tears and hear my cries from such a long ways away? Oh how I cried the day my boy died. Shock, disbelief, horror and pain. I still live in a fog thinking my son can‘t be gone. He can’t be buried in that grave.

I know the pain and the questions that Mary must have felt. The whys and the what ifs that kept spinning round and round. I am jealous that she had you physically present with her to raise her brother back to life. I wish the same could happen for my son whose body still lays in its grave. Couldn’t I too have just a few more years to love my boy and tell him how much I care?

You are God Almighty without sin or need to suffer. Why did you allow yourself to feel such horrible pain? You willingly suffered and died for our crimes. You took our curse upon your own flesh so that we might be eternally saved.

Your love and your understanding of our pain must have spurred you onto your task, To provide a way to end the curse of death…so our separation wouldn’t have to last. You took all our pain and loss and the suffering of death on your own shoulders the day you died. So that my little boy could be with you now enjoying true life at your side.

I can’t wait to see him again. Such joy I can’t even imagine. No more weeping and no more loss. The curse of death lifted by your death on the cross. Thank you Lord Jesus. For providing a way for my son to live again with you today.