Monday, October 29, 2007
Bereaved Parents Wish List
1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.
2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
3 months you've been gone now. How I miss you still each day. I think of you all the time. How excited you would have been about the snow fall on Sunday. The Halloween decorations in the store were always so fun for you to look at and push the buttons on. You would have loved to go check Daddy into the sleep lab tonight. You were always so facinated with medical things. I am glad you are happy with the Lord but my heart still cries out with longing for you to be with me.
Jeff dreamed of you the night before last. He had a dream where even though he knew you were gone from the earth, he saw you with him and he hugged you. You told him ,"its going to be ok." The dream was not at all like Jeff usually dreams. Perhaps this was a vision sent from you from Heaven. I would like to think it is. :)
Monday, October 22, 2007
So sad to see the church burning. I am hoping that Dad's house is ok.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
I was in Billings all week practicing ultrasound so I can be a nurse sonographer for CareNet. Scanning and seeing those tiny babys was wonderful. The people I was learning with were great and I learned a lot. But the week was really hard for me. Being away from family focuses my thoughts on Joshua. Driving to Billings and back alone in the car (about a 4 1/2 hour drive both ways) gave me lots of time alone to feel the saddness of missing Joshua. I drove past Fort Phil Kearny on my way. Joshua had a field trip there last spring and I remember him telling me about it. He was busy writing about it in his field trip journal that he had to illustrate and turn in. I never could have imagined that he wouldn't be here with me now. I saw signs for lots of places that reminded me of Joshua all along the way and they all made me wish he was there telling me all about them. Even passing into different counties because we spent lots of time together studying for his county test. Joshua reminds me of my Grandma Ingram who loved history. He was looking forward to going to Independence Rock in 5th grade and also to Thermopolis. His 4th grade teachers were just awarded a Wyoming histroy award. :) None of my other children have deveoloped a love of history (at least so far).
I still miss him so much. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed all over again with disbelief that he is really gone from the Earth. Its hard to turn my thoughts to Heaven and the joy that Joshua is experiencing. I want to be like Paul, caught up to the 3rd heaven and see with my eyes, hear with my ears, and really feel in my heart that Joshua is happy.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
I am writing from Portland Oregon at my ultrasound training. I will have two more weeks of training up in Billings, Montana during the next two months. Once I get all my training done I will be abe to perform ultrasounds on the women who come to CareNet which is a pregnancy resource center to determine that they have a viable pregnancy. There is nothing like seeing your little one with a beating heart to help you know that you have a real living baby inside of you. It can be a life changing image for some of these moms.
I got to see Kelly on Thursday. She picked me up from the airport and we got to go see this very strange plastinization exibit. It is made up of real bodies that have gone through a special preservation process to preserve them. It was interesting but a little morbid.
I will get to come home on Sunday afternoon and can't wait to see my family. I love you Jeff, Erik, Micah, Jacob, and Lynnie. You too Joshua but I can't see you for a little longer yet. :)