Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What if I don't want to adapt?

Many times I think I am doing ok
I am living and smiling and planning on a future.
I have 3 wonderful living children.
And then out of the blue I feel so lost again.
I Miss Joshua and want him here with me.
I wrote this poem during one of those missing Joshua moments.
Life keeps changing day by day
even when we want it to always stay the same
Some changes bring happiness and joy
others leave us crying out in pain like the loss of my boy.
To these changes we must adapt or so I am told,
develop a new sense of what is and let go of the old
I don't want to adapt to this loss, not today.
The loss of my son is not ok.
I don't want him to be gone
I want him here right now
I want to hug him and gaze upon his face
I want to watch him grow.
Why can't I still have him?
I want him back some how.
He is supposed to be here with me, his mother
Not in heaven, not yet, not now.


tsduff said...

Sally, a week ago, I was having a bad day. It was a weepy, mad, horrible day, and mostly it was about my loss of Bernard. It was anger and frustration at the way my life was over with him, kaput, done, ended. No changing it. I missed his voice, his wise cracks, his tenderness for animals and babies, his very presence, his smell, the handsome look he tried to cultivate... I was watching that movie Silence of the Lambs (yeah, I know it is a gory one) but when the actor Anthony Hopkins came on, his amazing blue eyes and face look so much like Bernard I wanted to watch the movie just see his face. You are fine one day, and the next day practically paralyzed with grief. I lost him 3 1/2 years ago... and the pain comes back like it was yesteday.

Your picture with Josh in it is beautiful. I looked at it a long time. {{{{hugs}}}} to you.

Kelly said...

Sally, I was thinking just yesterday about how the missing of Mom is never gone, and then I thought about you guys and how there is never a day that you won't be missing Joshua. I was missing him for you. I wanted you to know that we don't expect you to go on with life and act like everything is normal when it is not. It never will be the same, ever again. I know we go on and have a "new normal", but it includes the gaping hole of our loss and the bittersweet memories, the longing and yes, sometimes the "thankfulness" when we think of what future hurts in life that Josh won't have to experience.
I don't get on to blogspot too often at the moment, but I think of you guys all the time. Love you lots, and I still love all the photos. Send me your favorites during the year (or family shots) and I might be able to incorporate them into next years' calendar! That goes for any other of you family members as well. Send me all your photos if you want to be famous! ha ha! Love, Kelly :D

Kelly said...

P.S. I forgot to tell you how neat that you were able to create the special effects for that cool photo!!!!! Special!!! :D

Lissa Lane said...

Beautiful picture. Your poem really touched me. I want to thank you for your words and thank you for just understanding how much I need to vent and be angry at the same time i'm sad.

I do think a lot of it has to do with the new year and I know you are feeling very similar things also.

love always

dandjschoch said...

I love you Sal.

deine lieber schwester