Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Sad days

VBS! What an awesome program! I am privilaged to be a part of sharing our Lord with the youth in our town.

Ok....why the long face you ask if I love doing VBS? This year again like everything else for our family even VBS is tinged with sadness. Joshua loved to go and to help learn the music. Last year he was there in the back singing away. He would be in Pastor Jason's 5th and 6th grade class this year. He really liked Pastor Jason. His absence is very obvious to my heart each day.

so many memories still hit me every day and sometimes I even go back to the "what if he walked in the door and it was all a big mistake phase." Just wishing that I had the power to change this reality and make it different. Wanting and longing for Joshua's presence here with me. Even feeling angry that I can't make him be here. Not anger at God. Just frustration that the desire of my heart to have my boy present with me can't be fullfilled right now. I know it is not going to happen here on Earth in my lifetime unless Jesus returns before I get to join him.

Thank you Lord for never being absent from my life. You are always present. You experienced seperation from God. You know what it is like to be so far away and unable to feel, see, hear, and be a part of someone you love dearly...a part of yourself. You chose that pain so that we might be able to live in the fullness of your family for eternity. Paul counted his suffering as blessings. In the same way, help me to know that each pain and suffering brings me closer to becoming like You. Let me always praise Your Name. Let me always remember my Joshua is with you already enjoying the fullness of joy that I don't even understand yet.


Kelly said...

Sally, thanks for sharing your heart. I know my feelings must be so much less intense and frequent than yours, but my heart is crying and frustrated right along with you. :~( Love you lots, Kelly

P.S. So looking forward to seeing you guys!!! :D

tsduff said...

Sal - I'm sorry you miss him so much. I know a little bit of how you feel - and my eyes are welling up at the thought of the absent spot of your boy in the back row - no voice adding to the chorus... the part about having it all just be a weird mistake... I understand.