MEMORIAL TATTOO

Here is Jeff's memorial tattoo. What do you think? The figure (Link) is from a Zelda game that Joshua loved. Our doggie (Midna) is named after another character on the game.

Christmas grave

Today, the day after Thanksgiving we went out and decorated Joshua's gravesite. I think he would have approved if he still care about things like this. :)

Jesus Wept

John 11:32-35
Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and he said, Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord come and see.” Jesus Wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

The day Mary’s brother died I can imagine the questions and pain in her eyes…
“If only you had been here…I believe you could have saved him…
Why, Jesus …..Why did my brother have to die.”

Her thoughts spinning with numbness and shock.
Grief and pain…separation. Never to see him again. Not to hear his voice aloud or see him smiling with his friends. I can’t bear this pain Lord Jesus. How could you let me down. If only you had been here Lord…Our dear brother might still be around.

What were you thinking Lord Jesus on that fateful day?
You knew even while they wept and mourned that their brother would soon be raised.
Still your eyes filled with tears as you felt your friend‘s pain.
You wept for their loss and you cared.
You knew that such pointless deaths would continue until your own task you dared.

Was it just for Mary and Martha you cried? … Or could it also be …that the tears you wept spanned across time and were also your tears shed for me. Tears of pain and sadness for the curse that our own sin brings. Death and separation from the one’s we love and from God for all eternity.

Did you feel my pain years before I was born
when you wept for Lazerus that day?
Did you see my tears and hear my cries from such a long ways away?
Oh how I cried the day my boy died. Shock, disbelief, horror and pain.
I still live in a fog thinking my son can‘t be gone. He can’t be buried in that grave.

I know the pain and the questions that Mary must have felt. The whys and the what ifs that kept spinning round and round. I am jealous that she had you physically present with her to raise her brother back to life. I wish the same could happen for my son whose body still lays in its grave. Couldn’t I too have just a few more years to love my boy and tell him how much I care?

You are God Almighty without sin or need to suffer. Why did you allow yourself to feel such horrible pain? You willingly suffered and died for our crimes. You took our curse upon your own flesh so that we might be eternally saved.

Your love and your understanding of our pain must have spurred you onto your task,
To provide a way to end the curse of death…so our separation wouldn’t have to last.
You took all our pain and loss and the suffering of death on your own shoulders the day you died. So that my little boy could be with you now enjoying true life at your side.

I can’t wait to see him again. Such joy I can’t even imagine. No more weeping and no more loss. The curse of death lifted by your death on the cross. Thank you Lord Jesus. For providing a way for my son to live again with you today.

Westley and Lynn

Lynn and Westley the day of Joshua's funeral.

Westley is Jeff's son from Phoenix, AZ. His mom was so good to drive him all the way up for Joshua's funeral. Lynnie just attatched herself to Westley right away as soon as he arrived and the poor guy could hardly escape her. We are so glad you were able to come Westley!

My Christmas Quartet

I think this is a repost but they all looked so happy together in this pic and we will never get to see all 4 together again until eternity. It is such a bitterweet memory because this Christmas won't be the same. My 4 musketeers have become three.

I had a great time in Billings. DeAnn and Jim were great hosts and I enjoyed staying at their home. I even got to see wild turkeys. :) I finished up my ultrasound training and will get to start doing ultrasounds at work this week. That will be exciting. I can't imagine getting tired of seeing those little tiny babies. I hope everyone is doing well.

Sal

I found this picture going through some more of joshua's stuff. it was the day I took him home. It was still very hot that day. We were only in a two bedroom condo then. We had his room all decked out in blue. I remember Sally had a little monitor in his room even though we were right across the hall. It seem's like it was just yesterday. its been over three months now and i still feel like a basket case. Will it ever get any better.

More fall pics

Micah's Pumkin It was extremely hard to carve!



Jacob's pumkin. Much softer and easier it carve. :)

I wish we took some pics at our fall festival with the kids in their costumes but we didn't have the camera. :( They all had a fun time.

I am off to Billings, Montana for the week to finish my untrasound training so I can start doing scans here in Casper. :) Pray for the family while I am gone and for me for safe travel. I tend to get really sad while driving alone in the car. I just start thinking about Joshua and wishing for him to be here with me. Hopefully this drive will be a little better. I love you all. :)

Scars

My scar

We have many scars you and I
that tell stories of our past
from injuries old and new.
Scraped knees as children,
falls off of bikes, perhaps even a surgery or two.

My newest and most visable scar
is a red line running vertically up my left cheek.
Most people would hide it, cover it with makeup,
it is not something they would want to keep.

But I in some strange way treasure this scar
The mark has a different meaning for me.
It is an outward sign of a terrible wound
A wound that the world can't see.

Some scars are deeper
then we can see with our eyes
Hurts and trauma, pains from the past.
They have cut across our very hearts
and changed who we are...
changed the person we were in the past.

You can't see the scar I carry inside
even though it is still gaping and red
The healing process is painfully slow,
how could it go faster?
my son is dead.

The pain of my loss will never go completely away
it will forever be a part of me now
an image of grief etched upon my soul
my cross to carry until we arrive in the streets of gold.