Erik and Westley getting ready for the funeral
Getting ready for the funeral surrounded by family and friends. Not much time for thinking and missing and grieving.
Everything is hustle and bustle. Motion and activity everywhere I look.
Alone I spend time remembering my boy.
Joshua loved this horse at cousin Judy and John's house.
Now, no more distractions. Family has gone home. Boys are in school.
Jeff is at a meeting. Just Lynn and myself right now. Thoughts turn to my boy.
I miss him so much. How can he not be here with me? I see his art on the wall. I look at the bracelet he made me (It says, "I love you Mom). I think of the fun we had just last month. I find his clothes in the laundry still. I cry almost every time I find myself alone. Thinking. To be all gone. Ended in a blink of an eye. It doesn't make sense to my brain or heart. I want him back. God knows it. I have told him so personally. Thank goodness He understands more then we do and doesn't condemn us for our grief. Today is hard. Back to school night is tonight. I will think of sitting in the 4th grade room with Joshua last year as I sit with Micah in the same room tonight. I can't spoil it for Micah. He is excited for a new year. But my heart will ache as I remember and long to be sitting in the 5th grade room with Joshua.
4 comments:
Sally, my heart just cries and aches right along with you.....those times to be alone and think are so agonizing and lonely, but so cherished as well, allowing a time to just weep and remember and cleanse the grief. Tonight is our back to school night as well, and I will be thinking of you and praying for you as you are brave and encourage Micah at the start of his new school year. The photo of Joshua with the horse is priceless! Thanks for sharing your blog with us. It means a lot to me. Love, Kelly :^)
Yes, I'm too blurred with tears to write.
back later
Sal, I understand so well about the times you anquish when alone. The sadness is overwhelming - and as you said - you want him back. I still find Bernard's clothes in the closet, or come across something in a drawer... I smell the clothes but his scent has gone. He used to wear Aramis which stuck around a long time, LOL, but even that is gone now. I spent one entire afternoon sitting on the floor, surrounded by his clothes in the closet, just weeping as I remembered him. Your loss is so abrupt; surely Josh must still be around somewhere, where you can hear his voice or brush the curls away from his forehead... surely he is not gone. I'm so sorry Sal and I know how you miss him.
How was your back to school evening? I love you. xoxo
Back to school night was ok. We were there a little late and the 4th grade teachers put a movie on that they made about the field trips they go on. Josh went on each one and loved them. We were too far in the back cause we came in to late to really see much which was better for me. :) I think I would have cried if Josh was in any of the pics. They do a lot of history in 4th grade and Josh was so proud about all the history he knew. After the session some of the moms came over and gave me a hug. It is so hard for anyone who has kids because they all picture their own kids.
Today I am feeling a little better. Maybe since there is some blue sky instead of the overcast sky from the day before. But I still go from moment to moment always thinking about Joshua.
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