Friday, October 19, 2007

Feeling Sad

No picture tonight. Just sad thoughts and feelings about Joshua.

I was in Billings all week practicing ultrasound so I can be a nurse sonographer for CareNet. Scanning and seeing those tiny babys was wonderful. The people I was learning with were great and I learned a lot. But the week was really hard for me. Being away from family focuses my thoughts on Joshua. Driving to Billings and back alone in the car (about a 4 1/2 hour drive both ways) gave me lots of time alone to feel the saddness of missing Joshua. I drove past Fort Phil Kearny on my way. Joshua had a field trip there last spring and I remember him telling me about it. He was busy writing about it in his field trip journal that he had to illustrate and turn in. I never could have imagined that he wouldn't be here with me now. I saw signs for lots of places that reminded me of Joshua all along the way and they all made me wish he was there telling me all about them. Even passing into different counties because we spent lots of time together studying for his county test. Joshua reminds me of my Grandma Ingram who loved history. He was looking forward to going to Independence Rock in 5th grade and also to Thermopolis. His 4th grade teachers were just awarded a Wyoming histroy award. :) None of my other children have deveoloped a love of history (at least so far).

I still miss him so much. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed all over again with disbelief that he is really gone from the Earth. Its hard to turn my thoughts to Heaven and the joy that Joshua is experiencing. I want to be like Paul, caught up to the 3rd heaven and see with my eyes, hear with my ears, and really feel in my heart that Joshua is happy.


Lissa Lane said...

I'm sorry you are so sad sweetheart. I love you and you are never alone please remember that.

And those are my living children pictured at the faire ^_^

tsduff said...

The car is where I did the bulk of my mourning - and in fact still do. The tears come freely and unbidden there - and I know what you are talking about when you mention the disbelief all over again. It just can't really have happened.

I remember the many times I talked to Josh on the cell phone, when he would call out of the blue and we would chat. I treasure those memories now.

I love you Sal, and send you hugs.