Kids having fun

Micah's new earring in honor of Joshua.

Jacob minus a couple of teeth.

lllllllllllllll

The next pictures were out in the freezing cold!!! I couldn't stand it for more then a few minutes without gloves on. BRRRRRRRR. The kids had fun sledding.

Merry Christmas

Christmas Stockings

I added our Joshua ornament to our angel between our stockings

We had a white Christmas this year. It snowed all night long. The kids had fun today opening up presents. We just can't help missing Joshua today. He would have been so excited. He loved Christmas. I know he is happy with Jesus celebrating the King in heaven.

Two special people in Heaven

Of the wonderful people in this photo I only have one left here on Earth to keep me company. Luckily Micah has some younger siblings here since the photo to keep us company as well. We love and miss you Mom and Joshua. I am a tad late in the remembering of your leaving us, Mom. I know you were there with arms open wide to greet my dear Joshua. I can't wait for the day you both greet me and we will be together for all eternity.

Happy Times

These were pictures takes at cousin Judy's house in Laramie

This is Lynnie, Joshua, and Jacob

Here is Micah just kicking back.

Cousins getting to know each other: Cody and Jacob

Some more young cousins getting to know each other: Sierra and Lynnie

Missing Joshua at Christmas

We were looking through Joshua's box and found this picture. He is so handsome. I hope he looks similar in his heavenly body because there really isn't much to improve (at least in our eartly minds). We are still waiting for the gravestone. The paper work had apparently been filed on in a pile of papers on a desk instead of being put away in the right place so it got left undone. They have the stone in but they have to do the engraving still. We miss him terribly. Going to the mall is hard. He would have loved all the Christmas hype and been excited to tell us what he wanted. I know he gets to spend Christmas with the birthday boy Himself but how I wish he could be here with us instead.

Christmas trio

Our tree is up hurray hurray, three cuties sit nearbye.
Jacob Jeffrey, Lynn Marie, and Micah side bye side.

We are all missing Joshua for he should be here too
Sitting and smiling and making us laugh
instead we all feel kind of blue.

We have many more earthly years to celebrate our King
Each year brings us closer to the day we get to sing
in glorified bodies to Jesus with joy
side by side with Joshua our precious heavenly boy

Micah, Jacob and Lynnie. They are all so dear
I will focus my attentions on them at Christmastime this year
They are still here in earthly form, still needing their mothers love
While you my boy in Heaven, have all needs met from up above

Childrens Christmas Musical

We had our childrens musical at church today. It was called Candy Cane Lane. Micah got to be a cast member and got to wear his pajamas. Jacob had two very long solos and Lynnie got to be in the choir. They had a great time.

Micah drumming at the mall

Micah had his first drum circle performance at the mall. He did great. I have to wait for Jeff to figure out how to get a video to upload. :)

MEMORIAL TATTOO

Here is Jeff's memorial tattoo. What do you think? The figure (Link) is from a Zelda game that Joshua loved. Our doggie (Midna) is named after another character on the game.

Christmas grave

Today, the day after Thanksgiving we went out and decorated Joshua's gravesite. I think he would have approved if he still care about things like this. :)

Jesus Wept

John 11:32-35
Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and he said, Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord come and see.” Jesus Wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

The day Mary’s brother died I can imagine the questions and pain in her eyes…
“If only you had been here…I believe you could have saved him…
Why, Jesus …..Why did my brother have to die.”

Her thoughts spinning with numbness and shock.
Grief and pain…separation. Never to see him again. Not to hear his voice aloud or see him smiling with his friends. I can’t bear this pain Lord Jesus. How could you let me down. If only you had been here Lord…Our dear brother might still be around.

What were you thinking Lord Jesus on that fateful day?
You knew even while they wept and mourned that their brother would soon be raised.
Still your eyes filled with tears as you felt your friend‘s pain.
You wept for their loss and you cared.
You knew that such pointless deaths would continue until your own task you dared.

Was it just for Mary and Martha you cried? … Or could it also be …that the tears you wept spanned across time and were also your tears shed for me. Tears of pain and sadness for the curse that our own sin brings. Death and separation from the one’s we love and from God for all eternity.

Did you feel my pain years before I was born
when you wept for Lazerus that day?
Did you see my tears and hear my cries from such a long ways away?
Oh how I cried the day my boy died. Shock, disbelief, horror and pain.
I still live in a fog thinking my son can‘t be gone. He can’t be buried in that grave.

I know the pain and the questions that Mary must have felt. The whys and the what ifs that kept spinning round and round. I am jealous that she had you physically present with her to raise her brother back to life. I wish the same could happen for my son whose body still lays in its grave. Couldn’t I too have just a few more years to love my boy and tell him how much I care?

You are God Almighty without sin or need to suffer. Why did you allow yourself to feel such horrible pain? You willingly suffered and died for our crimes. You took our curse upon your own flesh so that we might be eternally saved.

Your love and your understanding of our pain must have spurred you onto your task,
To provide a way to end the curse of death…so our separation wouldn’t have to last.
You took all our pain and loss and the suffering of death on your own shoulders the day you died. So that my little boy could be with you now enjoying true life at your side.

I can’t wait to see him again. Such joy I can’t even imagine. No more weeping and no more loss. The curse of death lifted by your death on the cross. Thank you Lord Jesus. For providing a way for my son to live again with you today.

Westley and Lynn

Lynn and Westley the day of Joshua's funeral.

Westley is Jeff's son from Phoenix, AZ. His mom was so good to drive him all the way up for Joshua's funeral. Lynnie just attatched herself to Westley right away as soon as he arrived and the poor guy could hardly escape her. We are so glad you were able to come Westley!

My Christmas Quartet

I think this is a repost but they all looked so happy together in this pic and we will never get to see all 4 together again until eternity. It is such a bitterweet memory because this Christmas won't be the same. My 4 musketeers have become three.

I had a great time in Billings. DeAnn and Jim were great hosts and I enjoyed staying at their home. I even got to see wild turkeys. :) I finished up my ultrasound training and will get to start doing ultrasounds at work this week. That will be exciting. I can't imagine getting tired of seeing those little tiny babies. I hope everyone is doing well.

Sal

I found this picture going through some more of joshua's stuff. it was the day I took him home. It was still very hot that day. We were only in a two bedroom condo then. We had his room all decked out in blue. I remember Sally had a little monitor in his room even though we were right across the hall. It seem's like it was just yesterday. its been over three months now and i still feel like a basket case. Will it ever get any better.

More fall pics

Micah's Pumkin It was extremely hard to carve!



Jacob's pumkin. Much softer and easier it carve. :)

I wish we took some pics at our fall festival with the kids in their costumes but we didn't have the camera. :( They all had a fun time.

I am off to Billings, Montana for the week to finish my untrasound training so I can start doing scans here in Casper. :) Pray for the family while I am gone and for me for safe travel. I tend to get really sad while driving alone in the car. I just start thinking about Joshua and wishing for him to be here with me. Hopefully this drive will be a little better. I love you all. :)

Scars

My scar

We have many scars you and I
that tell stories of our past
from injuries old and new.
Scraped knees as children,
falls off of bikes, perhaps even a surgery or two.

My newest and most visable scar
is a red line running vertically up my left cheek.
Most people would hide it, cover it with makeup,
it is not something they would want to keep.

But I in some strange way treasure this scar
The mark has a different meaning for me.
It is an outward sign of a terrible wound
A wound that the world can't see.

Some scars are deeper
then we can see with our eyes
Hurts and trauma, pains from the past.
They have cut across our very hearts
and changed who we are...
changed the person we were in the past.

You can't see the scar I carry inside
even though it is still gaping and red
The healing process is painfully slow,
how could it go faster?
my son is dead.

The pain of my loss will never go completely away
it will forever be a part of me now
an image of grief etched upon my soul
my cross to carry until we arrive in the streets of gold.

Amazing clouds

Someone from one of my bereaved parent groups took this photo. It brought that person a lot of comfort after losing their child. Miracles and signs are still present even today.

What bereaved parents want you to know

I found this on a grieving parents sight.

Bereaved Parents Wish List

1. I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

5. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

6. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

7. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

9. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

11. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

13. When I say "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

14. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

15. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

16. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

17. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

18. I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT I pray daily that you will never understand.

Too Cute

Such a happy smiling Lynnie. We need some more of our happy smiling boys. :) We are heading out to a little pumkin patch after lunch today so maybe will will have some new pics of everyone.

Joshua pumpkin

Boo at the Zoo in Little Rock Arkansas

This picture was taken at the Zoo in Little Rock Arkansas on Halloween in 1999. Joshua is the little pumpkin with the funny expression. Micah was the tiger and I was pregnant with Jacob. Doesn't Jeffrey look so handsome? I think the boys were a little grumpy since we had to wait in a long line for the pictures. Joshua had just turned 3 in September. He loved to wear his pumkin costume all around the house.

3 months on the 20th

3 months you've been gone now. How I miss you still each day. I think of you all the time. How excited you would have been about the snow fall on Sunday. The Halloween decorations in the store were always so fun for you to look at and push the buttons on. You would have loved to go check Daddy into the sleep lab tonight. You were always so facinated with medical things. I am glad you are happy with the Lord but my heart still cries out with longing for you to be with me.

Jeff dreamed of you the night before last. He had a dream where even though he knew you were gone from the earth, he saw you with him and he hugged you. You told him ,"its going to be ok." The dream was not at all like Jeff usually dreams. Perhaps this was a vision sent from you from Heaven. I would like to think it is. :)

More fire pictures

James 1:2-4 and verse 12

My brothers and sisters, you will face all kinds of trouble. When you do, think of it as pure joy. Your faith will be put to the test. You know that when that happens it will produce in you the strength to continue. The strength to keep going must be allowed to finish its work. Then you will be all you should be. You will have everything you need.

Blessed is the man who keeps on going when times are hard. After he has come through them, he will receive a crown. The crown is life itself. God has promised it to those who love him.

So sad to see the church burning. I am hoping that Dad's house is ok.

The news never seems to tell you what you really want to know. I am so glad that everyone was able to get out of the church safely. I pray that God will bless each person affected by the fire and that they will grow in faith throughout this sad loss.